Jokes???

[skyhuck]

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Awkward silence.

I don't get it?

 

Really???????

[Mark Bolam]

Seriously.

[felixthelogchopper]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[difflock]

Above is quite excellent!

The Sensuous Wife.docx

[Mull]

I hate being bi-polar....it's amazing.

[difflock]

I hate being bi-polar....it's amazing.

 

 

On the Money Mull:001_rolleyes:

An I should know:blushing:

[gnfencer]

a guy is pulled over on the motorway travelling at 90 mph,

the policeman asks him to produce his licence to which the man replies,

" i dont have one , ive lost it for the third time for drink driving"

 

is that right, sir. can i see you registration documents for the vehicle.

 

" well, that'll be tough i stole this car you see, and more to the point i muderered the owner and put thier body in the boot, if you want ill show you " as he heads toward the rear of the car.

 

no, no its ok, if you can just hand me your car keys i have to get in touch with the saergant,

 

the driver hands over his keys,

withinh 5 mins there are half dozen cars, and armed response unit and hi hiz everywhere.

 

the saergent walks gingerll up to the driver and says

 

" my officer there, says you do not have a valid driving licence "

the man produces a clean licence,

 

" oh, well he says you stole this car and murdered the owner and have thier body bundled in the boot"

 

the man produces his proof of ownership, and opens the boot to display nothing but the spare wheel.

 

the man then shakes his head and says

 

" aye, and i bet the b@$tard told you i was speed too"

[TGB]

That made me chuckle.

[Stubby]

a guy is pulled over on the motorway travelling at 90 mph,

the policeman asks him to produce his licence to which the man replies,

" i dont have one , ive lost it for the third time for drink driving"

 

is that right, sir. can i see you registration documents for the vehicle.

 

" well, that'll be tough i stole this car you see, and more to the point i muderered the owner and put thier body in the boot, if you want ill show you " as he heads toward the rear of the car.

 

no, no its ok, if you can just hand me your car keys i have to get in touch with the saergant,

 

the driver hands over his keys,

withinh 5 mins there are half dozen cars, and armed response unit and hi hiz everywhere.

 

the saergent walks gingerll up to the driver and says

 

" my officer there, says you do not have a valid driving licence "

the man produces a clean licence,

 

" oh, well he says you stole this car and murdered the owner and have thier body bundled in the boot"

 

the man produces his proof of ownership, and opens the boot to display nothing but the spare wheel.

 

the man then shakes his head and says

 

" aye, and i bet the b@$tard told you i was speed too"

 

Superb

[FatherJack]

When you're over 60....................

 

 

 

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute.

You gotta phone number?"

 

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

 

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

 

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

 

 

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over sixty................who cares?

 

**********

 

Cowboy:

 

 

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

 

Lady Cashier:

"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

 

Cowboy:

"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

 

When you’re over

sixty................who cares?

 

 

***********

 

 

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

 

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

 

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

 

Cost me a fat lip,

but...When you’re over sixty................who cares?

 

 

 

***********

 

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

 

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

 

I said, "Yesterday."

 

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you’re over sixty................who cares?

 

 

 

***********

 

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

Cost me a bloody nose, but...

When you’re over sixty................who cares?

 

 

 

***********

 

 

 

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

 

 

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

 

I said,

"Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re over sixty................who cares?

 

*****************