Jokes???

[inthewoods]

Lmfao!

[aspenarb]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Kveldssanger]

That's a good one lol!

[Bob Slade]

The Italian said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:

That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[markieg31]

Cracker

[geoff]

A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client:*

 

"James, I have some good news and I have some bad news."*

 

The art collector replied, "I've had a terrible day; let's hear the good news first."*

 

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that* she thinks will bring a minimum of £5-10 million. I think she could be right."*

 

James was delighted and enthusiastically replied, "Well done! My wife has a brilliant business acumen! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"*

 

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."* *

[timbernut]

Classic!😀😀

[felixthelogchopper]

[Mark J]

Just had dominos for tea.

It was f#*%ing awful, I broke two teeth on a double six!

[forestgough]

Agnes comes home early one day,to find her husband Hamish making love to a wellington.

Hamish she shouts"WILL YOU STOP F$%&ING A BOOT"