Jump to content
brownie1964

Jokes???

Recommended Posts

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. 'You're on my list* but I have no room for you.'

 

'But,' he continues, 'As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide which one you want.'

 

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Margaret Thatcher and a large pool of water. She kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.

 

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

 

'No!' commented George. 'I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.'

 

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, Oh yeah boy! I reckon I can sure handle this.'

 

The devil smiled and said;

...

...

...

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

*

 

...

...

...

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

*

'OK Monica, you're free to go!'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On the Bill Clinton theme... slightly dated now but:

 

Bill Clinton flies back to Washington DC from his home state of Arkansas in Air Force One. As they bring the steps to the 'plane, Bill comes walking out with two piglets. The security guard says "Nice pigs, Mr President!" to which Bill replies "Son, these are not pigs. These are genuine, pedigree, grade A Ankansas Razorback Swine. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

 

The guard waits for a moment then responds in a definitive tone "Good swap, Mr President, good swap."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. ' Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new, 'says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You havent had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I RECENTLY HEARD A SWEET ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-

 

 

“Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”.

 

You have taken ...

my favourite actor--- Patrick Macnee,

my favourite horror actor Chrisopher Lee,

my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,

my favourite singer----Joe Cocker,

my favourite entertainer----David Bowie

my favourite author, Tom Clancy.

and finally my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan

 

 

So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians

are Jeremy Corbyn, Donald J Trump and that uppity woman from Scotland .

Amen.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man goes into a chemists shop.

"Do you sell deodorant?" he asks the Swedish assistant..

"Ball or aerosol?"

"Actually, it's for my armpits...."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio* table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

 

'John, you know that dishwasher you promised me?* I bought it with the insurance money!'

 

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'John, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

 

'John, that diamond ring you promised me?* Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

 

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'John, remember that BJ I promised you?'

 

'Here it comes.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Featured Adverts

About

Arbtalk.co.uk is a hub for the arboriculture industry in the UK.  
If you're just starting out and you need business, equipment, tech or training support you're in the right place.  If you've done it, made it, got a van load of oily t-shirts and have decided to give something back by sharing your knowledge or wisdom,  then you're welcome too.
If you would like to contribute to making this industry more effective and safe then welcome.
Just like a living tree, it'll always be a work in progress.
Please have a look around, sign up, share and contribute the best you have.

See you inside.

The Arbtalk Team

Follow us

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.