eggsarascal

Our American Royal Household reporter has advised us of the following: (Will Canada, Cyprus, Ireland & Israel follow?) Due to American incompetence at self-governance, the Queen has retaken America, for its own good. To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your continuing failure to sensibly manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Teresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not able to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one is called "soccer" and the other "rugby" (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! .

Was that an old railway line? Edit: ignore that, I looked at the pictures with my glasses on.

There is a scrapper in the yard I'm in, the fella who owns the yard can't contact the owner so he's on about getting it lifted, if he does I'll strip out anything that's any use to you and stick it on a pallet if you like.

I'll await the pictures. What are you doing for heating?, are you going to buy new for fridge, cooker and the like, or buy a cheap caravan and rob them out of that?

Done any more to the box Bill, are you leaving the glass windows in?

Fixed.

I recognise the bloke on the right.

Hadn't thought about it like that.

You'll do well to drive it home Jack, unless folk or someone close to them have suffered mental health problems they just will not get it. when I was suffering I'd sweat it out and then go and front things out, that's all it was, a front, hoping the conversation would end so I could "escape", what I was trying to escape from is beyond me, and I was the one in the hot seat! Try explaining that to someone who's never been there.

Yep, this one, should I get it will be number five. Must be fecking cracked.

Don't talk to me about Spaniels mate. My search for a Lurcher, of the cross I want as drawn a blank, so I've got my eye on a working cocker pup.

Book a table for the new woman and myself, what with it being Valentine's Day, really enjoyed it. Not so sure she did. I didn't realise women don't like snooker.

Yep, if you bury one at ground level you can usually break it free, bury one a foot or two down it's a proper ball ache.

Take my word for it Ratty, I've spent many hours on breakers and pointed chisels are the work of the devil, not that they don't have there place, just not in concrete below ground level.

Until it doesn't break away and you bury the pointed chisel.