tommer9

I somehow think this is made up, but funny anyway!! A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 9--To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client Addendum from The Editor: IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman. DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!

Hahahaha thats how a womans brain works I am reliably informed!! Apparently each blue ball represents a thought in a womans brain. Men on the other hand only have two balls and they take up all of our thought!!

It was like nectar!!

Priceless!!

I never did mate. I have to go out there this week so will get a pic. Bit naughty of the council to say the least. The owner (you may have only met his wife) is very very ill- recent triple bypas op!!!! They really didnt need it at all, as she isnt that well, which is why it was so important to me to get the price nailed right down for them. And they were REALLY nice people. Thanks for all your help today Dave.

No its TPO'd, so not yet. It has no signs of fung yet, but i would only give it a year or so tbh. The local TO has driven past this one all summer on his way to work and watched it dying back. He got highways to write the customer a letter saying to take it down. They had already approached me, before the letter, but although it sounds like bulying, the upshot was an emergency road closure, and the waiving of the £900 usual fee, and it ended up saving the customer over 1k in the end. Happy days.

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was > sueing the lorry company, > In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. > > Solicitor > > 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm > fine?' . > > Seamus > > 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, > Bessie, into the...' > > Solicitor > > 'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not > tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' > > Seamus > > 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down > the road....' > > > The solicitor interrupted again and said, > > 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of > the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. > Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I > believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' > > By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and > said to the solicitor: > > 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. > > Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. > > 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into > the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and > trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was > thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt > very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old > Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by > her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike > turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to > her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun > and shot her between the eyes. > > Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, > looked me up and down, and said, > 'How badly are you hurt?' > > 'Now what on earth would you have said'?

In the first pic a third of the crown is already been done. There were two phone wires and an electric wire forming a big triangle round the tree. PITA.

Had to do this today, or the council were going to do it and charge the oap customer alot, to cut a long story short. Thaniks to Combined trees srevices for sorting out the road closure signage etc for me, much appreciated mate:thumbup1: Horse chestnut riddled with Armillaria.

> > Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never > been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness. One > afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her > quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared > tea. > As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed > a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with > water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! > When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. > The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and > its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no > longer resist. > 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' > pointing to the bowl. > 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through > the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the > ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and > that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had > the flu all winter'

Great pics- esp love the second to last one. Just one question Reg....do you ever do 'normal' sized tree jobs:laugh1:

I would like to echo Stephens sentiments.

Very smart mate. Did you choose the planting scheme or did the customer? I had to do a small version, and they told me to chose the plants!! It was a bit of a nightmare TBH as i am no plantsman as such!

Here is one from near King Harry ferry in cornwall. The wood is part of cornwall famous ancient woodland, and is full of this sort of thing:001_smile:

hahaha First answer.....are you still here? Second answer.......will you be with it enough to care:laugh1:

Not been charged, but a couple of TOs down here wont have them. With any luck one of them will be out of a job son with the cuts....he spends most of his time in court defending his balls-ups and bad decisions...it must cost the council a fortune.

I can carry shed loads of chip in my 110 defender, and a 130 will take even more. There is no comparison between toyota and land rover though- they are totally different machines.

Its a landy. It will rattle, leak, fart and generally annoy, but in one way or another it will always get you there, and will still be doing so in anotoher 50 years with another tonne of plate welded to the lattice work of rust that is inevitably the chassis etc etc. It is still a dog, and perfect for the average beardy weirdy who loves series landies. If that person is out there looking, this is a thing of perfect beauty. YOu detractors just dont have an inkling of what it is like to be a landy fan.

Red stihl 2 stroke oil, and used chip fat for the chain. Happy days, and the most eco friendly out of all hte chain oils out there- its veg oil FFS!!!

WTF is going on in that pic with the frying pan- how long do you lot lose in a day with that lot?????????

Exciting stuff mate. What a cool break from the norm!!

NIce oneDavid, but as has been expressed, that 'sculpture' does detract from the beauty of the Aesculus somewhat...

Nor mine- either of them. Sorry.

Yeah it is fairly doable either way. The kit from vermeer uk is around the 1500 mark if i recall, but i have seen 2 chippers with 'home-made' set ups. Both emplyed a simple system of a hydraulic valve under the feed hopper (the 620 already has a box under there which could be swapped for a spool valve) and a latch in the bar, which necessitates 2 handed release, which is basically the requirement for HSE. With one hand you release the catch, and with the other you put the bar back to the 'in' position and carrry on working.