Jokes???

[Big J]

A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass - doctors described his condition as stable

[jamesfwpurdy]

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

 

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

 

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

 

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?

 

Sent from my GT-I9000 using Tapatalk 2

[Pedroski]

My ribs is aching!

[jamesfwpurdy]

Harry feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Harry was in the garden. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

 

'For God's sake Harry, for the FIFTH time CHICKEN!' she shouted.

[Christopher Schroeter]

I sent a couple of pictures of my wife in to a new programme on channel 4.

 

They sent me them back pointed out the programme was actually called "Fact hunt"

[jnoon]

Just saw a dyslexic yorkshire man wearing a cat flap.

 

 

 

:lol:

[nepia]

It is rumoured that Harry Redknapp has negotiated a £3m compensation deal that will be worth about £3m after tax.

[geoff]

A manbumps into his friend at the bar, who had two big black eyes. He asked what happened? Said he was in line at a store when he noticed the Girls skirt, in front of him was stuck up her butt crack, so he reached and pulled it out, to which she turned and slapped the chit out of him. His friend said, well that accounts for one black eye, how'd you get the other. Well, he said, she was so pissed that I pulled it out, I figured I'd better stick it back in!

[Bob Slade]

The misses left a note on the telly for me.

"Its not working, I'm leaving"......

I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it.

[PeteB]

If Tommy Cooper were alive today

 

 

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera..'

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'