Jokes???

[aspenarb]

@eggsarascal  turned up at @Mick Dempsey  `s place with his transit and drain jetter on the back looking for a job as a cutter, Mick said E6gs I need to see how capable you are so gave him the kit  and showed him a big oak that needed to be felled , Mick told E6gs to fell the tree , cut and stack all the logs and chip the arisings . With that Mick went off for a few minutes, when he returned the tree was gone, the wood was all neatly stacked , all brush was chipped into a neat pile and E6gs was in his van with his feet on the dash having a nap. Kinell E6gs said Mick where did you learn to cut trees so quickly ? E6gs said I had a year in the Gobi forest, Mick  said E6gs  dont you mean the Gobi desert ? E6gs replied " is that what the call it now ?".

 

I am off

 

Bod

Edited October 15, 2017 by aspenarb
Fat fingers

[eggsarascal]

There is only one part of that scenario that I can identify with...

[Mark J]

When I bake bread, I don't make loafs, I usually split the mix into six and bake them side by side.

That's how I roll.

[Al Cormack]

Extracts from genuine letters written to local councils in the UK:

 

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
 

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
 

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
 

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
 

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
 

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
 

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
 

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
 

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
 

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
 

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
 

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
 

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
 

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
 

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
 

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
 

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
 

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
 

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
 

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
 

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
 

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

[chuck norris]

2 council workers fall asleep and their kit gets nicked, they phone their boss to ask what to do. Their boss says "lean up against each other till we get someone to you, we don't want to lose any more tools today"

[peatff]

We went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a small dog. It was a Shitzu.

Sometimes I like to use big words. I don't know what they mean but I think it makes me seem more scatological.

[Christopher Schroeter]

Accordion to a recent survey, 95% of people won't notice if you replace a word with a musical instrument.

[sloth]

That makes me common as muck!

[eggsarascal]

Went for a prostate check yesterday-

 

I can't work out how my doctor did the probing while both his hands were on my shoulders.

[Christopher Schroeter]