Jokes???

[PeteB]

Like them, I'll change that to over 50 too.

[tractorboy1]

How do you know if someone has run a marathon?

 

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

[geoff]

Two junkies admitted to hospital after accidentaly snorting curry powder, one is in a korma, the other has a dodgy tika....

[felixthelogchopper]

Two junkies admitted to hospital after accidentaly snorting curry powder, one is in a korma, the other has a dodgy tika....

 

That's just Phal.

[FatherJack]

BABS

 

Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

 

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

 

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

 

 

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...

 

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

 

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.."

 

 

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

 

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

 

 

"To get my teeth!"

 

 

 

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

 

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

 

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

 

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?

 

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

 

 

 

OLD FRIENDS

 

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards

when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time

but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

 

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

 

 

 

SUPERSEX

 

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

 

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

 

"I'll take the soup."

 

 

DRIVING

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

 

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

 

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red

but was really concerned that she was losing it.

 

She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?

You could have killed us both!"

 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[TIMON]

A photon walks into a hotel lobby and the concierge asks him "can I help you with your bags sir?" "No thanks" replies the photon, "I'm just travelling light"

[Al Cormack]

Wife texts her handyman husband on a cold winter morning:

"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

 

Husband texts back:

"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER

OVER THE EDGES

AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY

WITH HAMMER"

 

 

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

 

"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW"

[TGB]

Both of those made me laugh.

[Bob Slade]

Little Larry and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Larry goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand.

Larry bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Larry, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Larry replies,

"In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina."

Again,Larry instantly replies, "Our allowance, Gina makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Larry has put so much thought into this.

"Well Larry, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Larry just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable..

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

The EU.