Jokes???

[aspenarb]

Not a joke but made me laugh

 

http://arbtalk.co.uk/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215744&stc=1&d=1484067289

[Mark Bolam]

A bloke is out on the drink with the lads and throws up all over himself.

'Oh no', he says. 'The wife says she'll leave me if I come home in a state again'.

 

'Never mind', says his mate. 'Stick a £20 note in your jacket pocket. Tell her someone threw up over you and gave you £20 for dry cleaning'.

 

He does this and staggers home.

 

He explains what happened to the wife, but she says 'How come there are two £20 notes in your pocket?'

 

'Oh, the second one is from the bloke who shat in my pants'.

[timbernut]

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

 

 

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[timbernut]

Some people are so f***ing thick!!! Just at the petrol garage and two old bill are sat staring at a woman who was pumping petrol and smoking at the same time. Like really, wtf! I'm thinking they are gonna nick her in a minute!! Proper dangerous and old bill are just sitting there. I go into the shop and just as I was about to leave, I hear someone screaming "look outside" the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was running around like a nutter waving her arm around and just going nuts. Everyone runs out the shop. One copper is trying to pat her out and the other one sprayed her with an extinguisher. Then proceed to nick her!!! Handcuffs the lot! I couldn't help myself and asked em why the f**k they were nicking her. wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough? I swear to god the copper looked me dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"

 

 

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[markieg31]

Some people are so f***ing thick!!! Just at the petrol garage and two old bill are sat staring at a woman who was pumping petrol and smoking at the same time. Like really, wtf! I'm thinking they are gonna nick her in a minute!! Proper dangerous and old bill are just sitting there. I go into the shop and just as I was about to leave, I hear someone screaming "look outside" the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was running around like a nutter waving her arm around and just going nuts. Everyone runs out the shop. One copper is trying to pat her out and the other one sprayed her with an extinguisher. Then proceed to nick her!!! Handcuffs the lot! I couldn't help myself and asked em why the f**k they were nicking her. wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough? I swear to god the copper looked me dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"

 

 

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Scraping the barrel here

 

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[timbernut]

Well know one had posted for awhile, I'll get my coat!

 

 

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[markieg31]

He's here all week folks... to be fair my wife would probably find that amusing

 

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[nepia]

This tickled me.

 

'An old Marine Pilot sat down in Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flying jacket, and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked 'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII and later in the Korean conflict Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds so I guess I am a pilot. And you; what are you?'

 

She said 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about naked women. When I shower I think about naked women. When I watch TV I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat there sipping in silence.

 

A little while later a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked

'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied 'I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Mull]

 

 

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[skyhuck]

This tickled me.

 

'An old Marine Pilot sat down in Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flying jacket, and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked 'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII and later in the Korean conflict Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds so I guess I am a pilot. And you; what are you?'

 

She said 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about naked women. When I shower I think about naked women. When I watch TV I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat there sipping in silence.

 

A little while later a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked

'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied 'I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

Excellent