Jokes???

[slasherscot]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

 

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at him.

 

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

 

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

 

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

 

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

 

'Got stoned once and made love to a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[nepia]

Rang the swine flu hotline last night but all I got was crackling.

[Graham]

Think I've got swine flu....come out in rashers.

[Tommy_B]

Rang the swine flu hotline last night but all I got was crackling.

 

Think I've got swine flu....come out in rashers.

 

I think that you two are telling porkies!!!:001_tongue:

[skyhuck]

Won a holiday to Mexico......................can't go............................pig sick!!!!!!!!!!!

[geoff]

did you hear about the essex lass, she thought an inuendo was an italian supository.

[Yorkshireman]

The Last Penny

 

 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

 

 

 

 

'No', the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

[Stephen Blair]

ha ha ha

[Yorkshireman]

some folks just have way too much time on their hands, but bloody funny

 

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.

Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell !

Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!

[Tree Man Tom]

Thats brilliant!!!