Jokes???

[Billhook]

To carry on the encounters with God theme

 

Man riding his Harley down the Pacific Highway, all is perfect harmony, the bike is purring , the sun is shining, the view is stunning.

All of a sudden Paf! and a huge apparition appears in front of him and God speaks.  He pulls over in awe and God says.

"Harley Man,  you have lived your life well, you have given to charities, you have been faithful to your wife and me and I would like to reward you with the gift of one wish, what will it be?"

Harley man thought for a bit and said " God, what I would really like is a bridge built from this road across to Hawaii so that I can travel there whenever I want without the hassle of planes or boats both of which I hate"

God said "It can be done but have you thought about the huge resources needed for this task, the thousands of tone of steel, the pilings down to the bottom of the ocean, the tarmac,  it will be a huge demand on the planet's limited supply of these things.  Can you not think of something less demanding on the planet?"

Harley Man thought for some time then he said  "  Yes God, I have always wanted to understand women, what makes them tick, why they are so emotional, why they sometimes cry for no reason and other times are totally unpredictable in love so you never know where you are with them.  Yes God my alternative wish is to understand women"

 

God replied  " Did you want that Highway to have two or four lanes!"

[Billhook]

More heavenly encounters!

 

A man goes up to the gates of heaven where he is welcomed in since he has been a good and righteous person but just before he enters he asks St Peter if he can just be shown how his ungodly brother is doing down in hell.  St Peter obliges by producing an image of his brother sitting at a bar with his arm round a blond sitting on one knee and a pint glass in his other hand.

"Well it does not look as if he is suffering much to me after all the bad things he has done in his life!"

St Peter said. " You do not understand the Hell of his situation. The pint glass has a hole in it and the blond hasn't!"

[Rough Hewn]

Roadworks nearby,
Makes me smile every time I pass it.

[Billhook]

O K last one I promise to make the heavenly trilogy

 

Guy goes up to the Pearly Gates.   St Peter asks him if he has been a good man and always faithful to his wife.  You are not allowed to lie at this point in the journey!

"Yes St Peter, I have always been faithful to my wife"

"In that case you can have the keys to this white Rolls Royce in the great car park over there and continue your journey on the great highway into heaven!

Next man comes along and is asked the same question to which he replies

"Well there was one time I was unfaithful and it has bothered me for years.  My secretary was bending over in the office picking up some papers and her skirt lifted a bit and showed me her beautiful legs and one thing led to another........"

St Peter says "OK , not an unblemished record, but not really bad so you can have the keys to this blue Ford Mondeo to continue your journey on the great highway into heaven

Third man comes along and is asked the same question

" Where do I start?  Well there was that bird in the chip shop, another on holiday in Marbella, no two there, and then a conference in Manchester........."  .this confession went on for some till St Peter had heard enough.

"OK, you have not been that good so here are the keys to that Trabant over there"

The Trabant took ages to start and he set off in a cloud of black smoke slowly progressing up the highway until he came upon the White Rolls Royce, parked in a layby.  The driver had his head in his hands and looked miserable

"What seems to be the problem?  You have the white Roller for your journey, you should be ecstatic with joy"

" I would have been, but I just overtook my wife on a skateboard!"

[eggsarascal]

A delivery driver asked me what the time was today. I told him it was between 9 and 5.

Edited November 14, 2018 by eggsarascal

[Stubby]

46 minutes ago, eggsarascal said:

A delivery driver asked me what the time was today. I told him it was between 9 and 5.

That's a cracker Eggs mate . Love it . ?

[eggsarascal]

Mum goes to visit her son in his new house, gets introduced to the lodger, nice lad, she quietly asked her son if they were a couple, but he denied it. 3 weeks later son rings mum, "Mum, you haven't seen our frying pan have you?, it's been missing since you left. Well, said mum, "if John slept in his own bed you'd have found it".

[Ratman]

[Ratman]

[eggsarascal]

3 hours ago, Ratman said:

Reminds me a bit of when I went to buy the Ex missus engagement ring and came back with scooter. I can't imagine why we split up!