Jokes???

[Stubby]

7 hours ago, bluebedouin said:

Theresa May is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury
 or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

May is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately
 begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, TM turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

 

 

 

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

That is a corker !

[eggsarascal]

I heard a joke today that I thought would suit @matelot.

 

Knock, knock.

 

who's there?

 

biggish.

 

biggish who?

 

Feck off ya scrounger.

[maybelateron]

Man takes his goldfish to the vet.

Tells the vet he thinks the goldfish has epilepsy.

Vet takes a look and says the goldfish seems ok.

Man says: " yes, but he's not out of the water yet"

[Mark J]

[the village idiot]

Four years ago the wife and I had a ginger son.

 

I am over the shock now, and life has pretty much returned to normal. I am a 'make the best of a bad situation' kind of guy.

 

Before we knew it was time for Angus' first day at big school.

 

My wife was running late that morning and asked if I could get Angus ready.

 

So I punched him the face and took away his dinner money.

[TIMON]

Four years ago the wife and I had a ginger son.
 
I am over the shock now, and life has pretty much returned to normal. I am a 'make the best of a bad situation' kind of guy.
 
Before we knew it was time for Angus' first day at big school.
 
My wife was running late that morning and asked if I could get Angus ready.
 
So I punched him the face and took away his dinner money.

That’s Wicked! Apparently someone’s level of maturity can be judged by what kind of jokes they will laugh at.....
I’m obviously not as far on as I thought I was, said wiping up spat out coffee. [emoji41][emoji33]

[the village idiot]

3 hours ago, TIMON said:

 

 

That’s Wicked! Apparently someone’s level of maturity can be judged by what kind of jokes they will laugh at.....
I’m obviously not as far on as I thought I was, said wiping up spat out coffee.

 

 

Yup, not proud of this one.

 

It's a re-hash of a meme I saw a while back.

 

Wasn't going to post it, but then thought what the heck, you guys will take it in the spirit in which it was meant.

[Husqvarna King]

An Irishman walks into a sandwich shop and sees the sign says 'sandwiches £5, hand jobs £10'. He looks to the counter and sees a beautiful blond with a stunning figure and very pretty face. " Do you do the wanking?" he asks. "Yes I do." she replied. "Well wash your hands, i'll have two cheese sandwiches!!" ?

Edited March 11, 2018 by Husqvarna King

[Mick Dempsey]

[onetruth]

T'was parents' evening today - I knew we should have gone private...