Jokes???

[stuartc44]

The rubber bands would have lasted much longer than a week, months as a minimum.

[Will Heal]

Surely they could just ask another lobster to snip off the rubber bands!?

[Stubby]

The rubber bands would have lasted much longer than a week, months as a minimum.

 

Depends on how much ethanol is in the sea water

[timbernut]

Haha, brilliant😀

[aspenarb]

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Belfast

when a well-dressed man enters, orders

a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

 

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

 

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

 

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker..

 

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

 

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at the urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better

of the builder.

 

Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

 

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

 

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

 

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

 

Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

 

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

 

Pat: - It's in a pond!

 

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

 

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

 

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

 

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

 

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that

you are quite probably married?

 

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

 

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

 

Pat: - Me? Never.

 

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

 

Pat: - How's that then?

 

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

 

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

 

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

 

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

 

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

 

Eric: - What's that then?

 

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

 

Eric: - Nope.

 

Pat: - Well then, you're a w@nker.

[Al Cormack]

😂😂😂 good one Bob!

[Bob Slade]

Please read!!!!!

 

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .

why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .

and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Stubby]

Please read!!!!!

 

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .

why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .

and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

That's a corker

[Gray git]

👍👍brilliant

[hamdogg]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the ...7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, **** Mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ******* Coco Pops'