Jokes???

[farmer rod]

So..

 

whose the greatest bloke at the hospital??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the Ultra Sound Guy ....

 

 

but when the ultra sound guy is on his day off, who is the greatest bloke about??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... the Hip Replacement Guy..

[redmoosefaction]

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter

over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing

at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.

Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so

mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over

to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises

a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to

the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.

Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,

he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and

Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.

Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it

either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry

and he can't eat it.

 

 

 

 

The moral of the story?... ..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

 

Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about! 8-)) keep em coming.

[redmoosefaction]

What do you call a dwarf psychic who escaped from jail? A small medium at large

[Stephen Blair]

Rich, awesome!!

Moose, funny stuff!!

Made me chuckle

[Al Cormack]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned

to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike

up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total

stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,

or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

 

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask

you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same

stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns

out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I really have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss

God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

 

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Joe Newton]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned

to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike

up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total

stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,

or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

 

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask

you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same

stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns

out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I really have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss

God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

 

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

I wouldn't know how to reply to that... and its really annoying me

[j r hartly]

What do you call a policeman that hasn't shaved?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C*ntstubble

 

trees, waves and cakes!!:-)

[TGB]

I wouldn't know how to reply to that... and its really annoying me

 

I do.

"S*** happens. It's not always the same when it does and it's not always the same for everyone. But when it happens, it happen."

[PeteB]

A family are driving home following a bin lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

 

Embarrased, and to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was an insect."

 

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

[geoff]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

 

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

 

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

 

 

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

 

They work great but they don't come cheap.

 

It's roughly $1000 an inch."

 

 

 

The man perks up.

 

 

 

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

 

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

 

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

 

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

 

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

 

 

 

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

 

 

 

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

 

 

 

"Yes I have," says the man.

 

 

 

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

 

 

 

"Yes" says the man.

 

 

 

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

 

 

 

"We're getting granite counter tops."