Jokes???

[chris cnc]

Where do you send a fungi with bad skin?

 

To the Ganodermatologist!!!

[Mozza]

I was only thinking the other day, That there hasnt been any celebrity deaths lately.......................Then right on cue!!

[Mark J]

While visiting Newcastle, the Queen took a couple of days off to drive along the North-East coast.

 

When she got to the beach at Tynemouth she decided she fancied a bit of off-roading.

Her Range Rover was bounding the long sands beach when there was an enormous commotion.

She rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed just beyond the surf, a hapless man wearing a Sunderland top struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Newcastle tops sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its side, immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled the Mackem from the water before beating the shark to death using long clubs.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Tyneside were intolerant of those from the Wear but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

She knighted them and drove off.

 

As she departed the harpooner asked the others, "wat the hell wuz aal that aboot!"

"That," one answered, "wuz the Queen. She rules Britain and naas everything aboot wor country."

"Well," the harpooner replied, "she naas bugger all aboot shark fishing. How's the bait haading up? Or do we need another yen?"

[Mark Bolam]

Class.

[slasherscot]

The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs'

who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the

altar."

With that, wee Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the

Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

 

Wee Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help

with my hearing." The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and

prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

 

 

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and

asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."

[andyman]

My wife thinks I'm a right nosy sod.

 

I wish she would say it to my face instead of writing it in her diary:thumbup:

[TArrryan]

--true story--

 

when asked by your mother what you did today never tell her you gave Mary's thatch a good scraping and cut up toms stump!

 

and don't tell her you trimmed the bush of the lady down the road

[ad15]

Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanislaw asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Big 'Ammer]

I've just got a dog off a blacksmith.

 

We got it home and it made a bolt for the door.....

 

[ad15]

:lol: