Jokes???

[felixthelogchopper]

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.


“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

[difflock]

On 08/07/2019 at 23:46, kevinjohnsonmbe said:

Fucking Brilliant!

[Haironyourchest]

The European Commission

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

Herr Schmidt

[Gray git]

[Mark Bolam]

[Honda]

Due to an unfortunate spacing error while booking our holiday online, I am now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B roads.

[Ratman]

[HuntingHicap]

7up - also know as "Snow White"

[timbernut]

Took a moment[emoji849]

[Ratman]

The plane just landed at Belfast airport n after coming to a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech but forgets to switch the intercom off!
The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening n the Pilot replies, "First up am goin for a shite n then am gonny bang the arse aff that new wee stewardess" Unaware every passenger has just heard him !!!!
The wee stewardess was mortified and started running up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door.
A wee wommin helps her up and says, "Take yer time love, he’s going fur a shite first"