Jokes???

[Al Cormack]

A rabbit walks into a pub and asks; " Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "

The publican is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The publican, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please’ The crowd is hushed as the rabbit is given his pint and toastie, then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Buses have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The publican is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please’

The publican says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of those Ham and Cheese Toasties...' The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the publican clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.. The publican, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit guzzles the beer and scoffs the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the publican, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?', to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The publican says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..' The publican said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The publican said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit. ‘OH NO, what from’ said the publican.

 

 

After a short pause, the rabbit said... 
“I died from

 

 

Mixin-Me-Toasties”

[Rough Hewn]

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

[bluebedouin]

Theresa May is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury
 or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

May is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately
 begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, TM turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

 

 

 

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[bluebedouin]

A chap asks a prostitute for a shag and she tells him it’s £30. "Fine" he says, "but I’m a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn’t do anything violent.

They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.

"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.

The prostitute is worried that she’s getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.

Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I’m shagging you" he tells her.

So he’s banging away at her from behind while she’s bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she’s ever had.

After they’ve finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I’ve had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," he replies, "Four spring Duck Technique"

[Stubby]

7 hours ago, bluebedouin said:

Theresa May is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury
 or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

May is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately
 begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, TM turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

 

 

 

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

That is a corker !

[eggsarascal]

I heard a joke today that I thought would suit @matelot.

 

Knock, knock.

 

who's there?

 

biggish.

 

biggish who?

 

Feck off ya scrounger.

[maybelateron]

Man takes his goldfish to the vet.

Tells the vet he thinks the goldfish has epilepsy.

Vet takes a look and says the goldfish seems ok.

Man says: " yes, but he's not out of the water yet"

[Mark J]

[the village idiot]

Four years ago the wife and I had a ginger son.

 

I am over the shock now, and life has pretty much returned to normal. I am a 'make the best of a bad situation' kind of guy.

 

Before we knew it was time for Angus' first day at big school.

 

My wife was running late that morning and asked if I could get Angus ready.

 

So I punched him the face and took away his dinner money.

[TIMON]

Four years ago the wife and I had a ginger son.
 
I am over the shock now, and life has pretty much returned to normal. I am a 'make the best of a bad situation' kind of guy.
 
Before we knew it was time for Angus' first day at big school.
 
My wife was running late that morning and asked if I could get Angus ready.
 
So I punched him the face and took away his dinner money.

That’s Wicked! Apparently someone’s level of maturity can be judged by what kind of jokes they will laugh at.....
I’m obviously not as far on as I thought I was, said wiping up spat out coffee. [emoji41][emoji33]