Jokes???

[geoff]

Classic example of cock lengthening that just doesn't work.

 

[geoff]

At the 1999 World Women's Conference the first speaker from Canada stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

 

The crowd cheered.

 

The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.

But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

 

The crowd cheered.

 

The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "Efter last year's Conference ah went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel.

Efter the first day ah saw nuhin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuhin'. But efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."

[Al Cormack]

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races any more so he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make it more aerodynamic.

 

It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish!

[jamesfwpurdy]

A young lad pleaded with his strict dad to be allowed to his girlfriend's house one evening.

 

His dad allowed him aslong as he stayed in her living room with the young lady's parents present and he was home in time for tea.

 

After returning home the lad saw dinner on the table and tucked in. "Wow these fishcakes are delicious dad!!!" he said.

His father replied " Wash your hands son.....they're donuts!!

[markieg31]

A man enters his local, after a long day at work, to find their is a new machine in the corner.

 

he wanders over to find that it is a sex machine and at only 20p it is worth a gamble...

 

so he puts his old fella in the hole and, thrusting away, has a wail of a time- well worth the money!!

 

Next day he wanders in after work and sees that it is now £1, he drops the £1 in the slot and off he goes. as before, well worth the money.

 

next day he goes in and see's that the price has jumped up to £5!! it doesnt take much to persuade himself that it was loads better than what was on offer at home so pops in the note. As before a damn fine 30 seconds!

 

next day he goes in and is astonished to find that the price has doubled and is now £10!! This time it takes a while for him to decide that he is going to go again.

so he slips himself in.. As quickly as he has slipped in he whips his wanger out in to see that it has been absolutely shredded!!!

 

The chap shouts over to the bar man.. 'Look what you machine has done to my knob!!'

 

bar man ' o sorry mate, i must have stuck the dog in the wrong way'

Edited September 23, 2012 by markieg31

[PeteB]

After being married for 24 years I have finally found the wife's G-Spot - who would have thought her sister had it the whole time ?

[PeteB]

Merry Christmas!!

 

 

 

Sorry, i suffer from premature congratulation.....

[PeteB]

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night

when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

 

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

 

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it........

[PeteB]

I was watching the women's hockey with my girlfriend and started taking the mickey when they only got bronze.

 

"There's nothing wrong with bronze" she mocked "It's nothing to be ashamed of at all!"

 

Yet when I told her later that she's the third best girlfriend I've had, she went chuffing mental!

[PeteB]

My girlfriend just had a go at me for leaving the toilet seat up....... Even after I explained that I only left it like that so all the piss would run off it.