Jokes???

[Mike Hill]

Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson at a celebrity bash

 

"What do you do" Ask's Amy

"Top Gear" Replies Jeremy

"Great!" Exclaimes Miss Winehouse,"I'll have three Grams"

[tommer9]

little boy asks his dad "where does poo come from?" "well" replies dad,"food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein. The waste then descends via the colon and rectum to emerge as poo." The little boy looks stunned."Blimey" he says,"and waht about tigger?".....

 

 

Two women sitting in a cafe. One says to the other"im going to have a boob job". Her mate replies" i am having my asshole bleached". The first turns to her after a moments thought, and says"i cant imagine your keith with blonde hair"...

 

 

 

Paddy meets mick in the street, and says " i wish you would close your curtains when you are seeing to the missus, all the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday". "Well" says mick" the jokes on them cos i wasnt even at home yesterday!"

[Joe]

little boy asks his dad "where does poo come from?" "well" replies dad,"food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein. The waste then descends via the colon and rectum to emerge as poo." The little boy looks stunned."Blimey" he says,"and waht about tigger?".....

 

 

Two women sitting in a cafe. One says to the other"im going to have a boob job". Her mate replies" i am having my asshole bleached". The first turns to her after a moments thought, and says"i cant imagine your keith with blonde hair"...

 

 

 

Paddy meets mick in the street, and says " i wish you would close your curtains when you are seeing to the missus, all the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday". "Well" says mick" the jokes on them cos i wasnt even at home yesterday!"

 

[PeteB]

Woman says to her husband, "you make love like you decorate"

 

"What", he replies, "slow and professional, with attention to detail"

 

"No, get it done quick and leave me to finish it myself"!

[nepia]

Heard about Viagra eyedrops? They don't do anything for your erection but they make you look ****ing 'ard.

[Andy R]

A scouser walks into a job centre goes right up to the first booth available and says..

 

"I'm looking for a job"

 

The bloke at the booth says " You're lucky. This job has just become available.

 

It's working for a local multi-milllionaire. You'd be a driver / bodyguard for his twin 18 year old daughters.

 

You have to drive a big black Mercedes all day. The hours are long, but all expenses are paid.

 

The salary is £200,000 a year, and you will have to accompany them on all overseas shopping trips"

 

The scouser says "You're bullshi**ing me "

 

The bloke behind the counter says " Well you started it"!!

[josharb87]

theres a new drug on the market for depressed lesbians,

 

 

its called Tridikagain!

[Big 'Ammer]

Did you hear about the bloke who got his sleeping pills mixed up with his Viagra?

 

He went for a lie down and had forty w@nks!

[Rod]

bloke who looks like a tramp walks into a shop and asks for two tins of cat food. shop owner sais: im not going to sell you cat food your going to eat it with tatties like cheap mince. man sais: im not its for my cat. shop keeper replies: ok bring your cat in and prove it and ill sell you the cat food. so the man appears back with a cat and the shop keeper gives him his cat food.

 

next day same man appears and asks for 6 tins of dog food the shop keeper sais: your not havin dog food youv'e got a cat but your going to cook the dog food for your self. the man sais: im not its for my dog shop keeper: your going to eat it. man: no it's for my dog. shop keeper: right bring the dog round and then i'll believe you. ten minits later the man appears with his dog so the shopkeeper sells him the dog food.

 

the next day the same man appears this time holding a carier bag the shopkeeper runs over, delves his hand into the bag saying 'what is it this time'

but its full of number 2, cakkie, the man sais : TWO TOILET ROLLS PLEASE!

[bob]

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she

>decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

>

>

>She went down to the docks and was about to leap

>into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor

>saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

>He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much

>to live for.

>

>

>I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like,

>I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of

>you and bring you food every day."

>

>

>Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder

>and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me

>happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she

>have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America

>would give her life new meaning.

>

>

>That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid

>her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he

>brought her three sandwiches and a piece of

>fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

>

>

>Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she

>was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing

>here?" the captain asked.

>

>

>"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I

>get food and a trip to America, and he's sorting me out."

>

>

>He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the

>Birkenhead Ferry."

>