Jokes???

[woodwizzard]

I've never known Anita Bush!

[Stubby]

The young girl on the tannoy system at the factory was asked to call for Mike Hunt . When he did not respond she asked over the Tannoy if any one had seen mikehunt ...

[Wonky]

Your tellin Porkies  1987 😂

[eggsarascal]

2 minutes ago, Wonky said:

Your tellin Porkies  1987 😂

 

[youngsbury]

On March 29 1941- almost 80 years ago- a young naval officer was in charge of the spotters on board HMS Valiant, a great battleship in the Royal Navy. Their targets were 3 capital ships from the Italian navy- they had received information from the code breaking geniuses at Bletchley Park. The search was on. In the darkness above the horizon the young officer noticed what appeared to be metal turrets reflecting off the searchlights of the Valiant. He had spotted the enemy and battle commenced. The battle of Cape Matapan was underway. In a fierce engagement 2 Italian capital ships were sunk. The young officer was mentioned in dispatches and commended for bravery. That young officer was a 19 year old Philippos Andreou of Schleswig Holstein- Sonderberg- Glucksberg, Prince of Greece and Denmark. The World knows him today as Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and consort of Queen Elizabeth.
He will turn 100 in June. He didn’t step down from active royal duties until his late 90s- a total legend!

Five months before her future husband was engaged in a life and death struggle off the coast of Greece, a young Princess Elizabeth, aged 14, gave her first broadcast to the commonwealth of nations loyal to the great cause and specifically the children. At that time Britain stood alone- a seemingly hopeless cause. Churchill’s greatness and leadership will be remembered as long as history is faithfully told. He was supported at all times by King George and his indomitable wife Queen Elizabeth ( the Queen Mother). Both the King and his wife flatly refused to leave London- their daughters would stay with them as well. Buckingham Palace itself was very badly damaged in a bombing raid- the Queen said it “allowed her to look the East End proudly in the face”.
The young Princess finished her address as follows:
“ We know everyone of us, that in the end all will be well: for God will care for us and give us victory and peace. And when peace comes, remember it will be for us, the children of today to make the world of tomorrow a better and happier place.
My sister is by my side and we are both going to say goodnight to you.
Come on Margaret.
Goodnight children”

From that day in October 1940 the Queen has led a life of total service and sacrifice.
She presides over the commonwealth of nations, comprised of 54 countries with a population of 2.5 billion people. Her commitment to this organisation has had the most profound effect on the wellbeing of these people. Most of these are people of colour. It could well be argued that under her stewardship no family on Earth has done more to improve the lives of people of colour.

This week we have witnessed the slick narcissism of a moderately successful Hollywood actress and her mesmerised and dominated husband perform an act of pure spite and self promotion. Not satisfied with their lot in life, a life of almost unimaginable privilege and wealth they go on worldwide TV in a futile attempt to discredit the monarchy and by extension the aged and great couple who lead the family. Predictably the race card is played: all the usual charlatans in the media and left wing politics jump on the bandwagon- even the wretched Hillary Clinton reared her awful head!
Their pathetic attempt is doomed to failure. On the day this piece of utter guff was released the Royal family were out doing what they do: visiting hospitals, workers, sick children and various other deserving causes. The British people in their wisdom will have scant patience being lectured to by a couple of entitled and misguided morons who in their spite and cruelty have exposed themselves as appalling spoilt brats.

The great Duke is spending his 4th week in hospital having undergone heart surgery. We wish him well. 

The nation will never forget the debt we owe to the greatest generation. Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are one of the last links we still have. Our gratitude doth overflow!

God save the Queen

[Will C]

Not sure it’s at home in the joke thread but a very well written piece 👍

Edited March 13, 2021 by Will C

[youngsbury]

Agreed but didn’t want to start a new one for one piece. 

[Mark J]

3 hours ago, youngsbury said:

On March 29 1941- almost 80 years ago- a young naval officer was in charge of the spotters on board HMS Valiant, a great battleship in the Royal Navy. Their targets were 3 capital ships from the Italian navy- they had received information from the code breaking geniuses at Bletchley Park. The search was on. In the darkness above the horizon the young officer noticed what appeared to be metal turrets reflecting off the searchlights of the Valiant. He had spotted the enemy and battle commenced. The battle of Cape Matapan was underway. In a fierce engagement 2 Italian capital ships were sunk. The young officer was mentioned in dispatches and commended for bravery. That young officer was a 19 year old Philippos Andreou of Schleswig Holstein- Sonderberg- Glucksberg, Prince of Greece and Denmark. The World knows him today as Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and consort of Queen Elizabeth.
He will turn 100 in June. He didn’t step down from active royal duties until his late 90s- a total legend!

Five months before her future husband was engaged in a life and death struggle off the coast of Greece, a young Princess Elizabeth, aged 14, gave her first broadcast to the commonwealth of nations loyal to the great cause and specifically the children. At that time Britain stood alone- a seemingly hopeless cause. Churchill’s greatness and leadership will be remembered as long as history is faithfully told. He was supported at all times by King George and his indomitable wife Queen Elizabeth ( the Queen Mother). Both the King and his wife flatly refused to leave London- their daughters would stay with them as well. Buckingham Palace itself was very badly damaged in a bombing raid- the Queen said it “allowed her to look the East End proudly in the face”.
The young Princess finished her address as follows:
“ We know everyone of us, that in the end all will be well: for God will care for us and give us victory and peace. And when peace comes, remember it will be for us, the children of today to make the world of tomorrow a better and happier place.
My sister is by my side and we are both going to say goodnight to you.
Come on Margaret.
Goodnight children”

From that day in October 1940 the Queen has led a life of total service and sacrifice.
She presides over the commonwealth of nations, comprised of 54 countries with a population of 2.5 billion people. Her commitment to this organisation has had the most profound effect on the wellbeing of these people. Most of these are people of colour. It could well be argued that under her stewardship no family on Earth has done more to improve the lives of people of colour.

This week we have witnessed the slick narcissism of a moderately successful Hollywood actress and her mesmerised and dominated husband perform an act of pure spite and self promotion. Not satisfied with their lot in life, a life of almost unimaginable privilege and wealth they go on worldwide TV in a futile attempt to discredit the monarchy and by extension the aged and great couple who lead the family. Predictably the race card is played: all the usual charlatans in the media and left wing politics jump on the bandwagon- even the wretched Hillary Clinton reared her awful head!
Their pathetic attempt is doomed to failure. On the day this piece of utter guff was released the Royal family were out doing what they do: visiting hospitals, workers, sick children and various other deserving causes. The British people in their wisdom will have scant patience being lectured to by a couple of entitled and misguided morons who in their spite and cruelty have exposed themselves as appalling spoilt brats.

The great Duke is spending his 4th week in hospital having undergone heart surgery. We wish him well. 

The nation will never forget the debt we owe to the greatest generation. Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are one of the last links we still have. Our gratitude doth overflow!

God save the Queen

If they cark it, we can always get another one from Germany (assuming trading regs allow it, of course).

[PeteB]

I do a load of training events and ask attendees to print and sign. The first I did for GreenMech some 23 years back was for a load of blokes in London.  I took the paperwork back and asked the girl in the office to process the certificates. A couple of days later, she asked in a starchy voice, who Jack Meoph  was. Meoph is pronounced Me Off.......

[David Cropper]

There was a copper in Dorchester called Richard Clapp. Think about it.