David Cropper

That's why you've got a double hernia, God's paying you back, you nasty man.

My mate had one years ago when I lived in Dorset, horrible little git! Frightened of nothing, a lot of southern gamekeepers and the like thought they were too hard. I liked them.

Patterdale?

Good boy. I can see you being a willing disciple in the pursuit of wobbling flesh. Now we only need to convert the Philistine known as Eggs. If he gets a couple of chubbies in his van, he'll forget about Bentleys.

Eggs, he's winding you up son.

The other FB, not Facebook. Sorry Moose, lost again with this one. Ah! The penny's dropped. Could it be one of my pet subjects? Fat birds?

Oh dear me. Here we go again, a peaceful Sunday out of the window.

And that's on a good day!

Bad English? Otto, if you read some of the rubbish written on these pages, you write like a university professor as do most of the Dutch I know!

Yes, they are, but only where when the male sex is involved. You're now treading in uncharted waters, to put it into context. Leave well alone, women ain't for anyone with maritime connections, just look at Mr Johnson. Stick to what you know, best bit of advice I can give.

Mr Cropper knows most variety of fat birds, web feet and all. Thank you for your misplaced faith, very touching.

Excellent, well thought out and delivered piece, Mark. Totally agree on all points. Good luck to Big J.

I will need photos of any and all big birds you trap, please.

Ah, Eggs dear boy, I'd forgotten about you and your unwillingness to try the larger sized ladies. I'm afraid, in my professional opinion as a connoisseur of flesh, that you are a lost cause. Or maybe you have sampled the delights of Mr Johnson's barrel too many times. I think my next wife will be a big un, had two small ones, time to expand my marital horizons.