Jokes???

[eggsarascal]

I was in Waterstones today.

 

The lady in the shop said, "Can I help sir"

 

Yes I replied, "I'm looking for a book about a bloke with a small penis"

 

"I'll see if it's in", she replied.

 

"That's the one" I said.

 

 

 

 

[the village idiot]

32 minutes ago, eggsarascal said:

I was in Waterstones today.

 

The lady in the shop said, "Can I help sir"

 

Yes I replied, "I'm looking for a book about a bloke with a small penis"

 

"I'll see if it's in", she replied.

 

"That's the one" I said.

 

 

 

 

What a coincidence Eggs.

 

I was in Waterstones too today. I asked the lady if she had a book on Sodomy.

 

She looked a little embarrased and said "I think you have come to the wrong place."

 

"That's the one" I said.

[aspenarb]

How the internet started

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name  of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

 
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
 
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
 
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and  delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
>  
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. 

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move  from his tent.
 
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew  It was known as Must Send

Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language  to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
 
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to  camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy  at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising  drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would  work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
>  
> And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. 

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
>  
> And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."  "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
 
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
 
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
 
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
 
I would not make up this stuff

[eggsarascal]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

All you need in the beginning is two Hearts and a Diamond.

In the end all you need is a Club and a Spade.

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[Mark J]

My wife has done nothing but stare through the window since it started snowing.

If it gets any heavier I might have to let her in.

[Al Cormack]

A rabbit walks into a pub and asks; " Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "

The publican is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The publican, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please’ The crowd is hushed as the rabbit is given his pint and toastie, then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Buses have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The publican is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please’

The publican says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of those Ham and Cheese Toasties...' The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the publican clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.. The publican, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit guzzles the beer and scoffs the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the publican, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?', to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The publican says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..' The publican said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The publican said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit. ‘OH NO, what from’ said the publican.

 

 

After a short pause, the rabbit said... 
“I died from

 

 

Mixin-Me-Toasties”

[Rough Hewn]

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

[bluebedouin]

Theresa May is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury
 or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

May is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately
 begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, TM turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

 

 

 

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[bluebedouin]

A chap asks a prostitute for a shag and she tells him it’s £30. "Fine" he says, "but I’m a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn’t do anything violent.

They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.

"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.

The prostitute is worried that she’s getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.

Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I’m shagging you" he tells her.

So he’s banging away at her from behind while she’s bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she’s ever had.

After they’ve finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I’ve had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," he replies, "Four spring Duck Technique"