Jokes???

[FatherJack]

The Grandson.

 

My small grandson got lost in Sainsburys.

 

He approached a uniformed security guard and

said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

 

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

 

 

The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied,

 

“Malt Whisky and women with big t i ts."

[Stubby]

The Platypus lays eggs but also produces milk making it one of the few animals that can make its own custard .

[sloth]

The Platypus lays eggs but also produces milk making it one of the few animals that can make its own custard .

 

An excellent life skill!

[skyhuck]

The Platypus lays eggs but also produces milk making it one of the few animals that can make its own custard .

 

Yuck!!!

[Al Cormack]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

 

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

 

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

 

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

 

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

 

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

 

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

 

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,

 

Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

 

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

 

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[geoff]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

 

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated

Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.*

 

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"*

 

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied

[TGB]

That made me laugh.

[Adam Bourne]

I was in ASDA today with 2 full trollies of booze & all my shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?"She replied "Yes"So I did the decent thing & said "If I were you I'd fk off to another till, I'm gonna be ages"

 

Happy Xmas guys

 

Adam

[Stubby]

I was in ASDA today with 2 full trollies of booze & all my shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?"She replied "Yes"So I did the decent thing & said "If I were you I'd fk off to another till, I'm gonna be ages"

 

Happy Xmas guys

 

Adam

 

Thar's a corker ........

[Bob Slade]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

 

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

 

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

 

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your

note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

 

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

 

The blonde said,

"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

 

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

 

Wait for it

 

The blonde said,

"No, just up to my tits ...

I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"