Jokes???

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

quite right

[skoda]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.

How are you feeling Sir?'

[Gray git]

👍 like it

[FatherJack]

I recall my first time with a con dom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of co ndoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

 

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

 

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

 

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

 

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.

It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbut toned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her b ra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

 

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the co ndom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her p anti es and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

 

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

 

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that co ndom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

 

Then she beat the s h it out of me.

 

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

[muttley9050]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

 

 

Because he needed a poo!

[Sandworks]

A guy goes into a tree surgeon to apply for a job...

 

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

 

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

 

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

 

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

 

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

 

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

 

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

 

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"

 

"We are tree surgeons", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.😂

[Woodworks]

A bit early for this but a wee Christmas joke for you

 

 

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

[skoda]

An Amish couple was standing in the kitchen one morning when the wife says to her husband

 

"You need to look at the toilet its broken and needs to be fixed"

 

The husband said, "There's nothing wrong with the toilet."

 

The wife said, "I'm not going to make breakfast until you go look at it."

 

So he goes to the out house swings the door open and looks inside. He yells back up to the house, "I don't see any problems with the toilet!"

 

His wife yells back, "Look in the hole!"

 

So, he looks in the hole and yells up to the house, "I don't see anything wrong with the toilet!"

 

His wife yells back, "No, you have take your hat off and stick your head in the hole!"

 

He yelled back, "I'm not sticking my head in the hole!"

 

She yelled back, "I'm not making breakfast!"

 

Reluctantly he takes off his hat and sticks his head in the hole. He doesn't see any problems with the toilet. When he tries to pull his head out to tell his wife his beard gets stuck in the cracks of the toilet seat. He screams in pain,

 

"Martha come quick! My beard got stuck in the cracks of the seat!"

 

His wife yells down to him, "Hurts don't it!"

[Mark Bolam]

That would be funny if it wasn't true.

[Haironyourchest]

Good to see that a few of the options send it Ireland's way....

 

Paddy and John are adrift in a lifeboat. They have been lost for three days when they see something floating in the water. Its a bottle with a cork in it. Paddy fishes it out and pops the cork, and a genie appears in a cloud of sparkly smoke...

 

"Thank you for setting me free! I shall grant you a wish!" Before the two pals can discuss the situation, Paddy jumps the gun and wishes for the ocean to be made of Guinness....in a twinkling of an eye, the wish is granted and the genie is gone. John dips his finger in a and sure enough, its porter.

 

"Nice going, Paddy" he says "Now we'll gave to pee in the boat...."