Jokes???

[aspenarb]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

 

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.

 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before,

…..and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Brian S]

A Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more

summers in Tuscany , no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on hisarm.

 

 

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," says the wife

[Brian S]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....... Why?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was close to death from heat exhaustion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger got the horse watered and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to cool down and feel better."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tonto said, "Sure, no worries Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ya left your injun runnin!"

[Mark Bolam]

Superb!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Arbtalk

[Big J]

My favourite of the 'best of the Fringe':

 

"When visiting Edinburgh, I'm reminded that a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but chooses not to"

 

Gyles Brandreth

 

My feelings exactly!

[ecotreecare]

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spread sheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

[Tree Man Tom]

It's been hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

[Stephen Blair]

Eco I just burst out laughing in the cafe

[Woodworks]

Very good one Eco

[ecotreecare]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

 

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,

I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma"