Jokes???

[Jammydogg]

Had to see the doctor last week, having trouble pronouncing my F's and T's........

 

He said well....you can't say fairer then that!

[Bob Slade]

A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower.

The young shop assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some weirdo out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

[Stubby]

Check out " Monkey One The Car " .....

[ame]

[/ame]

[ecotreecare]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

 

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

 

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

 

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

 

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

 

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[geoff]

Check this out!!!

 

https://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/2009/11/11/french-and-irish-fall-out-over-box-incident/

[Bob Slade]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks - - - dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum is horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, and makes love to her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table and then sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still....total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the dishes!!!!!!

[daveindales]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks - - - dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum is horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, and makes love to her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table and then sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still....total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the dishes!!!!!!

 

Classic!!!

[Marc Lewis]

Check this out!!!

 

https://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/2009/11/11/french-and-irish-fall-out-over-box-incident/

 

That is humour at the highest level, literally

[Stubby]

I bought a second hand time machiene next Teusday , they dont make like they are going to any more ....

[Bob Slade]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.

Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."