Jokes???

[Joe Newton]

 

Apologies for the bad taste, no intention to upset golfers (or fascists).

 

 

Don't be pedantic...

[Will Heal]

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET

 

 

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

 

 

 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

 

 

 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

 

 

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

 

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

 

 

 

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

 

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

 

 

 

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

 

 

 

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

The Dog

[geoff]

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET

 

 

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

 

 

 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

 

 

 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

 

 

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

 

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

 

 

 

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

 

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

 

 

 

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

 

 

 

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

The Dog

 

I'm not too pleased about this myself...........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

All went well until I lifted the lid, the cat shot out, up the new curtains, shredding them, fell backwards straight into the 'Ming' vase, destroying that, then proceeded to rampage along the mantle piece knocking all my cat show trophies to the floor, I won't be taking your advice again any time soon...

[RichieR]

Have cat trophies on the mantelpiece is sick shame on you Geoff

[geoff]

Have cat trophies on the mantelpiece is sick shame on you Geoff

 

Fair comment, but forgive me please, I have bagged them all up, along with the soggy moggy, & will be dropping them off far from home..... ahh the sweet joy of redemption...

[RichieR]

I glad to hear you seen the error of your ways

[FatherJack]

Some old one liners.............. enjoy.

 

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

 

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

 

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

 

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

 

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

 

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

 

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

 

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

 

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

 

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

 

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

 

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

[sunnydd]

Ha ha,,😊😊😊😊😊

[Bob Slade]

Gentlemen sorry to put this post but I am looking for advice hope someone can help, I think my wife is having an affair, I found her texting last night in secret, and the other day she was on the phone as I walk in the room, she just hung up and said she wasn't, she says she needs to start working late and doesn't get in till 12ish, so last night I thought I'd catch her out, so around 12 I went in the garage, left the door open and hid behind my bike, a car pulls up and my wife gets out puts her nickers in her pocket and kisses the man driving, this is when I noticed and need some advice, theres an hairline crack on my inlet manifold on the bike, can I get it welded or will I have to get a new one .......... thank in advance

[Shane]

Gentlemen sorry to put this post but I am looking for advice hope someone can help, I think my wife is having an affair, I found her texting last night in secret, and the other day she was on the phone as I walk in the room, she just hung up and said she wasn't, she says she needs to start working late and doesn't get in till 12ish, so last night I thought I'd catch her out, so around 12 I went in the garage, left the door open and hid behind my bike, a car pulls up and my wife gets out puts her nickers in her pocket and kisses the man driving, this is when I noticed and need some advice, theres an hairline crack on my inlet manifold on the bike, can I get it welded or will I have to get a new one .......... thank in advance

 

Brilliant1:lol::lol: