Jokes???

[sloth]

http://m.imgur.com/gallery/jR0YW

This made me chuckle...

 

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Arbtalk mobile app

[geoff]

3 Yorkshire lads and 3 Cockney blokes were in a ticket queue at York Central train station heading to Euston for a Scotland - England International at Wembley.

 

The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Yorkies bought just one ticket between them.

 

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys. "Thall av t watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.

 

When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

 

Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.

 

The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.

 

That evening after the game, when they all got to Euston, the Cockney blokes bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Yorkshire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys. "A tell thee, tha has t watch and learn", answered one of the Tykes.

 

When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Yorkies crammed themselves into another toilet.

 

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Tykes left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

[oldwoodcutter]

Young friend of mine decided to buy a penis enlarger off e-bay.

When he excitedly unwrapped it,he found a magnifying glass.

[Garyjp]

Young friend of mine decided to buy a penis enlarger off e-bay.

When he excitedly unwrapped it,he found a magnifying glass.

 

 

a 'friend'... yeah right lol

 

 

 

 

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[sandy2210]

Robin Hoods girlfriend was not maid Marion as most people think - her name was Trudie Glenn

its in the song, robin hood robin hood riding trudie glenn

 

 

i see you all singing it!!!!

[timbernut]

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. “well,” says the doctor, “i can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.”

“oh, no.” the woman replies. “i want it all done in one shot. I don’t wan to have to come back.”

the doctor thinks for a second, then offers, “there is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.”

“that’s what i want!” exclaims the lady. “let’s do that.”

six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office. “well, how’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.

“terrible!” the lady bellows. “it’s the worst mistake i’ve ever made.”

“what’s wrong?” asks the doctor.

“just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.

“lady,” the doctor retorts, “those aren’t bags, those are your breasts. And if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”

[geoff]

Check out this road rage incident, trust me, it is not what you would expect!

 

LiveLeak.com - Road Rage - Trust me, this is not the outcome you were expecting

[Stubby]

Check out this road rage incident, trust me, it is not what you would expect!

 

LiveLeak.com - Road Rage - Trust me, this is not the outcome you were expecting

 

What a hoot !

[born2trot]

Check out this road rage incident, trust me, it is not what you would expect!

 

LiveLeak.com - Road Rage - Trust me, this is not the outcome you were expecting

 

Hahaha what a classic !!!

[Bob Slade]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Unlike