Jokes???

[geoff]

Probably posted before, but it was funny!

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWmbXMXns28]Monty Python - Flying Circus - The Fish Slapping Dance - YouTube[/ame]

[geoff]

Jeez... glad you posted that Arbogrunt, I was just thinking of getting one of them.

[Bob Slade]

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops In front of

the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the Rectory to tell the

priest what he'd just seen.

 

Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a

miracle. Tell me,where is this man?

 

'Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water.'

[redmoosefaction]

PUNS* (Useful one liners for that after dinner speech)

 

·* I tried to catch some fog.* I mist ...*

 

·* When chemists die, they barium.*

 

·* Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.*

 

·* A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is*now a seasoned veteran.*

 

·* I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.* He says he can stop any time.*

 

·* How does Moses make his tea?* Hebrews it.*

 

·* I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.* Then it dawned on me ...*

 

·* This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,*but I'd never met herbivore.*

 

·* I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.* I can't put it down ...*

 

·* I did a theatrical performance about puns.* It was a play on words.*

 

·* They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.*

 

·* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.*

 

·* A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

 

·* When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.*

 

·* What does a clock do when it's hungry?* It goes back four seconds ....*

 

·* I wondered why the ball was getting bigger.* Then it hit me!*

 

·* Broken pencils are pointless.*

 

·* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?* A thesaurus.*

 

·** England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.*

 

·* I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.*

 

·* I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.*

 

·* All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

** Police say they have nothing to go on.*

 

·* I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.*

 

·* Velcro - what a rip off!*

 

·* Cartoonist found dead in home.* Details are sketchy.

 

Sent from my GT-N7100 using Arbtalk mobile app

[redmoosefaction]

Judge ruling on beaten child

[Garyjp]

Judge ruling on beaten child

 

...groan!

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Arbtalk

[Mull]

Judge ruling on beaten child

 

 

.....laugh

[PeteB]

The following

questions were set in last year's GED examination

 

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 

 

Q. Name the four seasons

A.. Salt, pepper,

mustard and vinegar

 

 

Q. How is dew formed

A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 

 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are

well endowed

 

 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an

election

 

 

Q. What are steroids

 

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

(Shoot

yourself now , there is little hope)

 

 

Q... What happens to your body as you age

A.. When you get

old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his

adultery

(So true)

 

 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A.. Premature death

 

 

Q. What is artificial insemination

A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 

 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A.. Keep it in the cow

(Simple, but

brilliant)

 

 

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A.. The body is

consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal

cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart

and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

 

 

 

Q. What is the fibula?

A.. A small lie

 

 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A.. Nearby

 

 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

(That would

work)

 

 

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'

A.. The cesarean

section is a district in Rome

 

 

Q. What is a seizure?

A.. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius

Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

 

 

Q. What is a terminal illness

 

A. When you are sick at the airport.

(Irrefutable)

 

 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A.. Benign is what

you will be after you be eight

(brilliant)

 

 

Q. What is a turbine?

A.. Something an

Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his

diaper and wraps it around his head.

(now we’re getting somewhere.

[Gary Prentice]

LMAO

Now lets teach them to use chainsaws.

[arbogrunt]

A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand. I took it back to her and we got chatting. After a few beers, I took her home and shagged her. Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper I asked her, Do you Shag everyone on a first date. She said no, Only those that catch my eye.