Jokes???

[sloth]

These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ... String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

[geoff]

I was at a party last night, and the DJ played "Sit Down" So we all sat down! He then played "Jump Around." So we all jumped around! Then he put on "Come On Eileen"... I got thrown out.

[Adam Bourne]

I was at a party last night, and the DJ played "Sit Down" So we all sat down! He then played "Jump Around." So we all jumped around! Then he put on "Come On Eileen"... I got thrown out.

 

Haaaa! Brilliant

[Bob Slade]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

 

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

 

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”

“We use it when we make love,” she said.

 

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

 

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

 

What were you thinking ……..

[mendiplogs]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

 

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

 

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”

“We use it when we make love,” she said.

 

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

 

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

 

What were you thinking ……..

Hi bob you make LOL nice one thanks Jon

[arbogrunt]

A lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

 

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor so she gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

 

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

 

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor; "What is wrong with me?"

 

"You need to stop drinking before you go to bed" he says.

 

The lady asks; "Why did you tell me to get naked in front of the mirror and stand on my head?"

 

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

[JimM]

Shouldn't have used the Tesco Dating Agency.

 

 

I got a bag for life.

[arbogrunt]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

 

I'm awfully cold.'

 

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

 

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

 

'Good,' she replied, 'get your own blanket!'

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Stephen Blair

[Stubby]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

 

I'm awfully cold.'

 

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

 

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

 

'Good,' she replied, 'get your own f###### blanket!'

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

Thats a peach !

[Garyjp]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

 

I'm awfully cold.'

 

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

 

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

 

'Good,' she replied, 'get your own blanket!'

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

Surely theres a typo there... It should of course have read " and then she farted"

😃

 

 

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