Jokes???

[Mull]

I know your post lady - you're a brave man indeed!

 

Haha, truth is it probably wouldn't go all the way through letterbox!!!

[TGB]

As found in a cracker yesterday.

 

Q. What animals worry about their weight the most?

A. Fish - the carry their scales wherever they go.

 

And yes, it could also apply to lizards too.

[felixthelogchopper]

What does a dyslexic yorkshireman wear on his head?

 

 

 

 

A cat flap!

 

(why is dyslexic such a bloody difficult word to spell??)

 

 

Sent using Arbtalk Mobile App

 

Just to rub it in.

[Brian S]

Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all

his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows,

motionless like statues.

 

It had been a cold night but he’d never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how

would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

 

Just then an elderly woman walked by. “What’s the matter?” asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

 

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow’s noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

 

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

 

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

 

“You know who that was don’t you?” asked the passer-by.

 

“No,” said the farmer.

 

“Thora Hird,” replied the passer-by

[sandy2210]

I was stopped by the police last night and failed the breath test - on to police stn and gave a urine sample, as i was leaving i noticed the sample on the desk and managed to whip it into my pocket Think i will get away with drink driving but my lawer says i may get done with

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

taking the p*ss

[geoff]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question

this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

 

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

 

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"

 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the Old Abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"

 

With a choking voice, the Old Abbot replies, "The word was ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.... CELEBRATE!"

[Al Cormack]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Mull]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

Lmao!!

[Stubby]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

Cracker !

[JLA Arborists]

Had an idea for a new venture on an Internet auction site. I would sell chewing gum specifically to buyers from Yorkshire.

That way they could eat eBaygum