Jokes???

[Mark J]

A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa

[topchippyles]

Pets watch out

[Woodworks]

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[Ferguson system]

I found this at a Swedish site:

"Metro in Stockholm

After a VERY tiring day, a female commuter sits down quietly on the seat, 
closing her eyes and trying to get a nap.
When the train rolls out of the station, 
the guy sitting next to her picks up his phone, 
and starts talking with a loud voice.
- Hello, honey, Erik here.
 I am on the train - Yes, yes, the clock is half past seven and not half 5, 
but I had a long meeting ...
No, not with the blonde from the Treasury,
it was the boss - No darling you are the only one in my life, 
yes darling, of course I swear you are the only one in my life.
Fifteen minutes later, 
he still sits and talks loudly while he commits his love.
Now the female commuter has had enough, 
she leans towards him and says near the phone.
- Eric! Get off the phone and come back to bed, it's cold here.

Eric doesn't use his mobile phone anymore."

Edited April 30, 2019 by Ferguson system

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[billpierce]

Lol

[Al Cormack]

WHAT MARRIED MAN THINKS

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today..!!!"

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice.

 

 To the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 

 

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

 

One man even leaves.

 

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. 

 

“Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

 

 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

 

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

 

 

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[Mark J]

Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

[Mesterh]

12 minutes ago, Mark J said:

Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

Brilliant! 

I'm using that every single time I take the kids to the zoo for at least the next 9 years. After that I guess it just wont be as funny.