Jokes???

[Stubby]

9 minutes ago, Gary Prentice said:

once?

 

Now I get it!

Its OK Garry . You have a little lie down matey

[bluebedouin]

DAVID BLAINE TEST
This is creepy!
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Think of a letter between
A and W
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Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down
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Keep going
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Don't stop
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Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter
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Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down
..
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Think of either
a man's or a woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animal's name
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..
Almost
there
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Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down
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Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
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Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
on
your
hand
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Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
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Of course they
F****ing
don't !
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..
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Now smack
yourself in the head,
get a life,
and
stop playing
stupid
forum games!
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.
.

[Treerover]

Memory going a bit, Tree rover? [emoji3]

I’m not sure quite what happened there !!!! ??‍♂️
It’s since I took the curtains down, there’s been a bit of an echo cho cho

[Sutton]

One for the ex-service:

An Officer In A Hot Air Balloon

 

An officer in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted an NCO below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The NCO below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an NCO ," said the officer.

"I am," replied the NCO, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the officer, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The NCO below responded, "You must be an officer."

"I am," replied the officer, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the NCO, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault."

[eggsarascal]

I was in Waterstones today.

 

The lady in the shop said, "Can I help sir"

 

Yes I replied, "I'm looking for a book about a bloke with a small penis"

 

"I'll see if it's in", she replied.

 

"That's the one" I said.

 

 

 

 

[the village idiot]

32 minutes ago, eggsarascal said:

I was in Waterstones today.

 

The lady in the shop said, "Can I help sir"

 

Yes I replied, "I'm looking for a book about a bloke with a small penis"

 

"I'll see if it's in", she replied.

 

"That's the one" I said.

 

 

 

 

What a coincidence Eggs.

 

I was in Waterstones too today. I asked the lady if she had a book on Sodomy.

 

She looked a little embarrased and said "I think you have come to the wrong place."

 

"That's the one" I said.

[aspenarb]

How the internet started

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name  of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

 
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
 
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
 
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and  delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
>  
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. 

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move  from his tent.
 
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew  It was known as Must Send

Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language  to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
 
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to  camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy  at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising  drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would  work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
>  
> And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. 

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
>  
> And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."  "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
 
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
 
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
 
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
 
I would not make up this stuff

[eggsarascal]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

All you need in the beginning is two Hearts and a Diamond.

In the end all you need is a Club and a Spade.

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[Mark J]

My wife has done nothing but stare through the window since it started snowing.

If it gets any heavier I might have to let her in.