Jokes???

[TreeProfessional]

Haha. Then the 4th mate, turns up with his little Willy rammed into a pear.

The doorman looks at him for an explanation.

 

I've come in dis-pear!

 

And oldie but still makes me laugh. Never get tired of hearing/reading this one.

[eggsarascal]

Fifth bloke turns up with his willy in a biscuit tin. Doorman says 'what you upto sunshine'?

 

He replies.

 

I'm fecking crackers, now let me in!

[Christopher Schroeter]

Fifth bloke turns up with his willy in a biscuit tin. Doorman says 'what you upto sunshine'?

 

He replies.

 

I'm fecking crackers, now let me in!

Waaaaa!!!

[the village idiot]

Sixth bloke turns up, very well dressed but with his exposed willy clasped firmly in one hand.

 

The doorman tells the man he is very unlikely to be on the guest list.

 

The man fixes the doorman with a strangely determined expression and states:

 

"It should be perfectly clear to you that I am Master Bayting, please inform the host that I have come."

[sloth]

Brilliant!

[Tommy_B]

Young lad working in a Supermarket and a woman comes up to him and asks to buy half a Cauliflower. The young lad has to check with his manager so opens the door to the back and shout "Hey Boss. I've got the stupidest customer in the world who wants to buy half a f**king cauilflower...." and as he says this, he looks over his shoulder and sees the woman standing there so he quickly adds "...but luckily this woman here has asked to buy the other half"

 

The woman is pleased and leaves and the boss is impressed. He asks the lad where he's from and he replies "Liverpool, but I left because it was all footballers and prostitutes"

The boss looks a bit stoney faced and tells him "My wife is from Liverpool" to which the lad replies "Oh Really? What team does she play for?"

[Tree Man Tom]

The 22nd June has always been a strange day for me. Always takes me back to around 22 years ago to this day. I was about to propose to my girlfriend (had the ring in my pocket) when a mate, who I was living with, Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking the glass table with his face. It was was pretty nasty and totally ruined the mood!

 

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I had to put my plans on hold to get him to the hospital and then help him through his injuries afterwards. Bless me!

 

Joseph had got a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months! Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend...

 

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and ran off together, left me behind without as much as a text. I tried to find out where they went, but never could.

 

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

[Christopher Schroeter]

[Martyn Honey]

You all might have seen this, but it still makes me laugh!

 

My Blackberry is not working!

 

[ame]

[/ame]

 

Martyn

[daveindales]

Three men captured by female savages are told their dicks would be removed in the appropriate manner according to their job. 1st, was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off. 2nd, was a butcher so his would be sliced off. The 3rd was laughing, when asked by his captor why he said " I work for Dyson"..