Mrblue5000

I think it will only get worse with age. Probably belongs in jokes but here goes. Old lad gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, on his way back to bed he wakes the missus up and say’s ‘do you know the lights come on automatically in the bathroom?’ She replied’ you daft bastard, you’ve pissed in the fridge again haven’t you?’

Never noticed these before

An old blacksmiths trick I learned about to stop the forge filling with smoke when lighting the fire is to light a page of newspaper up in the canopy above the fire. It warms the air and it rises up into the chimney creating a draft at the bottom.

Pat goes to confession and tells the priest “I’ve had sex with a woman who is not my wife” “What's the woman's name”, asks the priest. “Oh, I can't tell you that”, says Pat. “Well I can't give you penance if you don't tell me who it was.” “Was it Mrs. Gilhooly”? “No, father, it wasn't.” “Was it Mrs. Murphy”? “No, father, it wasn't “ “Was it Mrs. Jones”? “No, father, it wasn't “ “Well then Pat I can't give you penance “, says the priest. On the way out Pat meets Seamus. “Well, Pat, did he give you penance?” asks Seamus. “No, he didn't, but he gave me three good leads”, says Pat.

Hudson or Porter perhaps, tuffmac maybe.

Rest in Peace, when history looks back on her life I think and hope people everywhere will look kindly on her.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there. He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look. One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: "What do you think of the stock market situation?" The CEO arrogantly asks him: "Why are you so interested in this subject?" The shoeshine man replies: "I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market." The CEO of the bank asks: "What is your name?" He replies: "John Smith H." The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department: "Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?" He replies: "We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account." The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says: "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will have a lot to learn from you." At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members: "We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I'm sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story." Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story: "I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket. The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success. Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples. I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money. When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes. I didn't spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers. I didn't spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine. Finally, 3 months ago, my drug dealer brother passed away and left me 20 million dollars.

I reckon it came down in a storm, neighbours were disturbed by the farmer before they were finished cutting it up would be my guess.

There was a major redistribution of wealth only twice in the 20th C, after WW 1 and WW2. The rest of the time the rich have gotten richer at the expense of everyone else.

I would love to have met John Seymour, I think his daughter still lives here in Ireland. My tip for food conservation is to rinse out and keep your empty dol mio jars and lids. They need to be washed properly and be sterilised in a hot oven before filling with jam etc. you know you have done it properly when you open the jar and hear a pop as the vacuum is released. Make sure the lids get washed and heated too, put them on hot. Don’t blame me if you get food poisoning! You didn’t clean them properly.

I’m not a professional arbourist like most people on here, farming for my sins in a previous life. But I have to say Lidl’s parkside battery chainsaw is a great tool, especially for stop start work beside a chipper or hedge laying. My petrol saw hasn’t been started since I bought it last September. Only gripe is you need the larger 4 ah batteries. Also because it’s quiet I don’t really feel that I am using a chainsaw at all. I leave it in the back of the jeep all the time, always ready to cut a fallen branch off a fence etc. and no petrol to go stale, spill or stink😎. I’ve also bought their cordless angle grinder and drill that use the same batteries.

A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

Well at least the water is cheaper than petrol these days.

I’m not a racist but her neck looks suspiciously white.

I think Gareth has the answer. We had a brand of oil here in Rep of Ireland called TOP (Tedcastles Oil Products). They used Russian diesel which was highly regarded. My Toyota Avensis used to do 60 mpg on the white stuff. I reckon there's a different source for the red and white diesel.

Not quite a tree within a tree, but it's close.

I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars in the orange juice, but I'm convinced it's the vodka.

Did herself go mad with the ashes?

I remember my parents converting an AGA cooker to burn oil back in the early 1970’s. I think it used to burn anthracite before that. We now have an oil fired Aga and I am curious has anyone got an Aga burning wood? Is it possible to convert a modern Aga to burn wood?

It is a work of art by a local black smith posing as a tree guard.

She’d be handy round the yard if ww3 breaks out! Wifey might not be impressed though 😜

Simple answer, none. Keep an eye on ebay sometimes they show up there a bit cheaper than retail.

Ok, thanks. I'll try it again and persevere with the next one. I'm intrigued by the mechanism of how it works. I think it might be something to do with osmosis. Fluid moves towards the stronger concentration of the paste, taking the thorn with it as it moves.

Benefits of a good vocabulary... I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,aluminium and steel under a constrained environment." I was impressed until,upon further inquiry,I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

I can understand a yellow snow warning, but what is a yellow ice and wind warning all about?