Jokes???

[Mike Dempsey]

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

As there was a completely new audience

every couple of weeks, he was able to get

away with the same routine over and over

again. The only problem was that the ship’s

captain had a parrot that saw the shows

each week and began to understand and

memorize how the magician did every

trick. After a while the parrot started to

shout out in the middle of the show, “Look,

he’s got a card up his sleeve”, or “Look, he’s

hiding something under his hat” or “Why is

it always the queen of clubs?” The magician

wanted to kill the parrot but wasn’t in

a position to do anything – after all, it belonged

to the ship’s captain.

One evening, however, in the middle of

his show there was a freak storm and the

ship sank. The magician found himself

foating on a piece of wood in the middle of

the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

For a couple of days they glared at each

other, but did not share a single word.

This went on for three days, then four.

Finally on the fifth day, the parrot said,

“Okay, I give up. Where’s the *******

ship?”

[Mike Dempsey]

The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are

sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The ex-PM and His Holiness have seen it

all before, so to make it a bit more interesting,

Maggie says to the Pope, “Did you

know that with just one little wave of my

hand, I can make every Conservative in the

crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure

enough, the wave is greeted with wild

cheering from the Tories. Gradually, the

noise subsides.

“That was impressive,” says the Pope,

“but did you know that, with just one little

nod, I can make every person in the crowd

go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a

momentary display, like that of your subjects,

but will go deep into their hearts and

they will forever speak of this day and

rejoice.”

The Iron Lady seriously doubts this and

says, “One nod and all people will rejoice

forever? Show me.”

So the Pope head-butts her.

[Mike Dempsey]

According to a recent scientifc study, women

will fnd different males attractive depending

on where they are in their menstrual

cycle. When a woman is ovulating

she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine

features. However, just before she is

menstruating she will prefer a man doused

in petrol and set on fire with scissors stuck

in his eyes and a cricket bat shoved up his

arse.

[hazzygawa]

The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are

sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The ex-PM and His Holiness have seen it

all before, so to make it a bit more interesting,

Maggie says to the Pope, “Did you

know that with just one little wave of my

hand, I can make every Conservative in the

crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure

enough, the wave is greeted with wild

cheering from the Tories. Gradually, the

noise subsides.

“That was impressive,” says the Pope,

“but did you know that, with just one little

nod, I can make every person in the crowd

go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a

momentary display, like that of your subjects,

but will go deep into their hearts and

they will forever speak of this day and

rejoice.”

The Iron Lady seriously doubts this and

says, “One nod and all people will rejoice

forever? Show me.”

So the Pope head-butts her.

 

Mr mrs says that's true. So its not a joke.

[Bob Slade]

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a £100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"

[geoff]

I recently spent $2,500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he

 

gave me some pills to feed him once per day

 

 

 

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!

 

 

He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

 

 

I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

[woody paul]

Horse meat found in beef burgers the worst thing you could suffer from is.

 

 

A case of the Trotts.

[eddiegts]

A burger walks into a bar.

The barman says, why the long face?

[Christopher Schroeter]

I had a Tesco burger last night, think I've still got a bit in my teeth!!!

[Paulfreebury]

It's been revealed that tesco vegi burgers contain uniquorn.