Jokes???

[Ratman]

[Ratman]

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."

[aspenarb]

[Ratman]

[Ratman]

[djbobbins]

I kind of wish “Ready to Burn” was a joke but I think it’s yet another example of government trying to regulate something it doesn’t understand. Selling wood that is guaranteed to be below 20% MC it a bit like selling empty pint glasses and guaranteeing they will stay empty - basically f’ing useless as soon as the customer leaves them outside in the wet...

https://apple.news/ArEuwPV2zTKm83tI-IGlEDg

[Rough Hewn]

A young South London woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Woolwich ferry."
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[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[KennethStunna]

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

 

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me..

[Rough Hewn]

MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

4 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care

5 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

6 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let it in.

7 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding cake
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