Jokes???

[Bob Slade]

Out for the Evening

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our

pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back

into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she

always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the

cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house

will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I

would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said,

as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to

poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take

off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to

keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse

downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!

...............She'd better not in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

Edited June 28, 2015 by Stephen Blair

[Stock]

Pity it's not a Husky

 

[geoff]

Blimey!!!

 

https://video-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-xpf1/v/t42.1790-2/11183214_619690301506149_194130436_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjUyMiwicmxhIjo1MTJ9&rl=522&vabr=290&oh=8d096b829c9ef17de69d8c76d7a05215&oe=55971D59

[Mortimer Firewood]

Blimey!!!

 

https://video-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-xpf1/v/t42.1790-2/11183214_619690301506149_194130436_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjUyMiwicmxhIjo1MTJ9&rl=522&vabr=290&oh=8d096b829c9ef17de69d8c76d7a05215&oe=55971D59

 

Blooming hell double knock out

[Darrin Turnbull]

How do you recognise a dog wood tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By its Bark

[djbobbins]

Little lad walks into the bedroom and finds his parents "at it" in bed.

 

Dad turns round and sees the boy, so says 'Nothing to worry about son, Mummy and Daddy are trying to make you a baby brother or sister'.

 

To which the boy replies 'Could you do her doggy style instead; I'd rather have a puppy!'

[geoff]

After countless letters seeking gainful employ, worn out keyboard on the laptop, and e-mail accounts creaking at the seams ...I had a job interview today.

 

Everything went fine so I thought and then the muppet interviewing tried that old chestnut !.

 

The manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

 

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

 

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring that computer back here!"

 

I said, "£100 and it's yours.".

 

 

he muttered summat about don't call us we will call you

[forestgough]

Whats the most racist shellfish

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the ku klux clam

[Mark J]

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

 

If so, you may be entitled to compensation with a personal Ian Dury claim.

Edited July 16, 2015 by Mark J
...

[eggsarascal]

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

 

If so, you may be entitled to compensation with a personal Ian Dury claim.