Jokes???

[WeeDee]

A man visits the doctor with a terrible case of diarrhoea.

After a brief examination, the doctor gives the man a big box of suppositories with the instruction to "use one of these three times a day for two weeks".

 

Well, the man, who didn't know any better, spent the next fortnight swallowing the suppositories with a glass of water. Understandably, the diarrhoea didn't get any better.

 

So he went back to the doctor who asked how he had been getting on with the treatment.

The poor man said " Doctor, those things you gave me were useless - I may as well as shoved them up me arse!"

[Gardenmac]

A woman playin golf teed off and watched in horror as her ball hit a man playing the Nextl hole. His hands clasped together at his groin, he fell to the ground rolling around in agony. The woman rushed to the man offering to ease his pain as she was a physiotherapist.

The man said "no I'll be fine"

The woman insisted and she gently took his hands away undid his trousers ,put her hands inside and she massaged him tenderly for several moments and asked "How does that feel?

He replied it feels lovely but I still think my thumbs broken...

Edited December 15, 2013 by Stephen Blair

[Mark J]

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

 

Killed in a tunnel.

[geoff]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,

"And if that ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"

[arbogrunt]

bwa ha ha ha...nice one Geoff!

[Bob Slade]

Married And Content A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'get your own blanket!' After a moment of silence, he farted. The End

[oldwoodcutter]

4 golfers wanted to have a round on xmas morning,but knew it would be difficult persuading their wives on that day of all days.They decided to go for it,but if anyone of the 4 couldnt get away,then he would have to pay for the other threes round.

On xmas morning all 4 showed up at the clubhouse,the first said 'i had to buy her a £10,000 diamond ring to get here today' The second said 'i had to buy her a top of the range bmw sport to get here' The 3rd said 'well i had to pay for a fortnights skiing in switzerland followed by a fortnight in the sun in florida'

And the 4th man,who had been silent up to now said' I said to my wife this morning i cant decide whether to make love or go golfing and she said' you'd better take your jumper,its cold out there today'

[Paulfreebury]

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

 

Killed in a tunnel.

 

Pmsl ;0)

[Bob Morris]

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,

They remind me of my co-workers.

They all hang out together, half of the buggers don't work,

and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

[Mull]

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,

They remind me of my co-workers.

They all hang out together, half of the buggers don't work,

and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

 

Haha👍