Jokes???

[Christopher Schroeter]

Worst DJ name ever!

[nepia]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

 

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

 

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

 

The guy thinks for a moment and says "I want to live forever."

 

"Sorry" says the genie; "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

 

"OK then; I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the National Debt."

 

"You crafty little bastard" says the genie.

[nepia]

Some children were asked to identify the flavour of some sweets by their colours:

 

Red.....................Raspberry

Yellow.....................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ...............Orange

 

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY Lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.

 

The teacher said 'I will give you all a clue; it's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

 

One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her lifesaver, and yelled

'Oh my God - they're ****holes!'

 

 

 

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Stubby]

Ok . Bloke alleyways wanted to be a cow boy . Wins the pools one day , so over he goes to Texas . Walks into the store and buys the kit . ... Six guns , ten gallon hat spurs, the whole shooting match . Walks down the street and into the saloon . ( the doors hit him in the arse as he stands there ) . There is a bloke playing the honky-tonk piano in the corner smoking a cigar . Matey swaggers up to the bar and says " whisky " Bar tend gives him the bottle. Feeling good he whips out the six guns and starts fireing all over the place . One bullet snaps off the cigar the piano player is smoking but he keeps on playing . Bar keep says , all relaxed , "you new round here ? " matey says yes . Bar keep says "do you want a few tips ? " Matey says yes , anything ." Ok lets see your six guns ". Matey hands them over . Bar keep says " see the trigger guard ? File that right off . See the for sight ? remove it . Will give you a faster draw " " See that barrel of possum grease in the corner ? take yer guns and give them a good dipping in that " Matey says I see your point about the trigger guard and yes ,the for sight makes seance but I don't get it about the possum grease . Bar keep says " when Wayart Erp has finished that number on the piano he is going to stuff them up your arse . .......

[Rich2484]

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

[geoff]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball

headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at

his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

 

 

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

 

 

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

 

 

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his

hands there at his groin.

 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

 

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his

pants and put her hands inside.

 

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and

asked, "How does that feel?"

 

 

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[geoff]

After 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one

evening,

when the wife felt her husband fondling her in ways he hadn't in some

time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, then caressed

her

shoulders and began moving down past the small of her back. Slowly he

worked his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,

caressed

past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing

gently

over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Proceeding up her inner

thigh, he stopped at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then

suddenly

stopped, rolled over and became silent.

Aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey,

that

was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

 

 

 

 

 

'I found the remote

[nipski]

Sorry if this is a repeat

 

I was caught having a crafty piss in the deep end of my local swimming pool yesterday, the guard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Arbtalk mobile app

[PeteB]

So I woke up in hospital after my accident with a sexy nurse bending right over me.

 

She says, "now then, you cannot feel anything below the waist."

 

So I just grabbed her tits!

[geoff]

I went into a bakers the other day and there were all these cakes for 50p each, then there was another cake for £1, when I asked why it was more expensive, she replied "thats madiera cake!!"