Jokes???

[difflock]

A local man walks into a crowded bar in Ballymoney waving a .44 Magnum around and demands in a loud angry voice, " which of you barstewards has been humping my wife"

A quiet voice from the back says " you really should have brought an Uzi with a full mag, plus a couple of spares"

Very practical types the Ballymoney ones.

[Mark Bolam]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

 

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

 

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

 

 

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

 

They work great but they don't come cheap.

 

It's roughly $1000 an inch."

 

 

 

The man perks up.

 

 

 

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

 

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

 

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

 

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

 

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

 

 

 

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

 

 

 

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

 

 

 

"Yes I have," says the man.

 

 

 

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

 

 

 

"Yes" says the man.

 

 

 

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

 

 

 

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

Ha ha, I thought he was going to ask the doctor if he could lend him a couple of grand!

[PeteB]

I just lost the new job I started as masseuse. I got the instructions off of the boss, but apparently, "a full massage and then finish off on her face", didn't mean what I thought it did!

[Rich2484]

I just lost the new job I started as masseuse. I got the instructions off of the boss, but apparently, "a full massage and then finish off on her face", didn't mean what I thought it did!

 

:lol::lol:

 

Nice one.

[redmoosefaction]

Oh no the kitty's dead :-(

 

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[Tree Man Tom]

If you had sex 365 times in 12 months, and then, melted down the rubbers to make a tire, what would you have? A Goodyear!!

[Tree Man Tom]

A man notices a little boy wearing a fireman hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices the cart is tied to the dog's testicles ' My my, what a nice fire engine' said the man. 'Wouldn't the dog pull faster though if you tied the rope to his collar?'. Yes said the boy, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[sloth]

A man notices a little boy wearing a fireman hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices the cart is tied to the dog's testicles ' My my, what a nice fire engine' said the man. 'Wouldn't the dog pull faster though if you tied the rope to his collar?'. Yes said the boy, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

 

Quality

[Rich2484]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck

up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and

said "So, why are you here?"

 

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a wee'er. I wee on everything....the

sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,

when I weed in the middle of my owner's bed."

 

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

 

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

 

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

 

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my

owners' couch."

 

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

 

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

 

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

 

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[geoff]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

 

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father'.

 

 

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical

Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

 

"That's about average up our way, folks... like I said… my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

 

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

 

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"

 

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

 

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

 

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."