Jokes???

[Stubby]

just looking for some clarity on the wedding vowels - in the modern world I'm thinking IOU

 

Yea thats cleaver !

[slasherscot]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every ******* one of them.

 

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she`s actually moving during sex?

 

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

 

I went to the doctor?s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, Don't worry, I am a professional I've seen it all before. Just tell me what`s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, ?My wife thinks that my dick tastes like asparagus.?

 

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend??

 

I said to the wife, ?Get me a newspaper? ?Don't be silly,? she said ?You can borrow my iPad? That spider never knew what ******* hit it.

[RobRainford]

I was telling my mate about how the government plant surveillance devices in street equipment.

 

"That's absolutely ridiculous," replied a lamppost.

[Bob Slade]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf

balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, and after many glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.

 

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer she asked,

 

......."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Stubby]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf

balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, and after many glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.

 

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer she asked,

 

......."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

:lol:

[oldwoodcutter]

A old cat died and went to heaven,God met her at the gates and said you've been a good cat,whatever you want just ask.

Old cat said all my life ive slept on a cold barn floor,ide like a huge fluffy pillow.God smiled and immediatly gave her a pillow.

Short while later 6 mice arrived after all being killed together in a accident,God met them and made the same offer.

We've spent all our lives running away from cats and dogs and humans,if we could just have some tiny roller skates,we'd never have to run again.Consider it done,and they all had skates.

After a week god checked on old cat,who was asleep on its soft pillow,woke her and asked how she was getting on,are you happy?

Everything is wonderful the cat replied,those meals on wheels you've been sending over are absolutly delicious.

[PeteB]

A woman,who is a massive country and western music lover decides to have a tattoo of her C&W Heroes,Johnny Cash and Kenny Rogers done on each inner thigh.This she has done,proudly comes home and shows the artwork to her husband.

He looks for a while,then says "It looks nothing like either of them".

Rather miffed,she storms into her local pub, drops her jeans and panties and asks the first fella she sees "Who do you think these look like".

After studying the tattoos the bloke says"Well, im not sure about the left and right ones,but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."

[treequip]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon, from Toronto , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

 

The second, from Montreal, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

 

The third surgeon, from Vancouver , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

 

The fourth surgeon, from Winnipeg chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

 

But the fifth surgeon, from Australia shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

 

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..

 

 

Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.'

[slasherscot]

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. His mate replys...... 'You're so f lucky... Mine's still alive...'

[redmoosefaction]

Mahatma Gandhi was known to frequently walk barefoot and consequently the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath. VERY bad breath.

In other words.......he was a ......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis