Jokes???

[PeteB]

A family are driving home following a bin lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

 

Embarrased, and to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was an insect."

 

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

[geoff]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

 

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

 

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

 

 

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

 

They work great but they don't come cheap.

 

It's roughly $1000 an inch."

 

 

 

The man perks up.

 

 

 

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

 

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

 

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

 

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

 

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

 

 

 

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

 

 

 

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

 

 

 

"Yes I have," says the man.

 

 

 

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

 

 

 

"Yes" says the man.

 

 

 

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

 

 

 

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[difflock]

A local man walks into a crowded bar in Ballymoney waving a .44 Magnum around and demands in a loud angry voice, " which of you barstewards has been humping my wife"

A quiet voice from the back says " you really should have brought an Uzi with a full mag, plus a couple of spares"

Very practical types the Ballymoney ones.

[Mark Bolam]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

 

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

 

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

 

 

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

 

They work great but they don't come cheap.

 

It's roughly $1000 an inch."

 

 

 

The man perks up.

 

 

 

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

 

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

 

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

 

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

 

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

 

 

 

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

 

 

 

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

 

 

 

"Yes I have," says the man.

 

 

 

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

 

 

 

"Yes" says the man.

 

 

 

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

 

 

 

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

Ha ha, I thought he was going to ask the doctor if he could lend him a couple of grand!

[PeteB]

I just lost the new job I started as masseuse. I got the instructions off of the boss, but apparently, "a full massage and then finish off on her face", didn't mean what I thought it did!

[Rich2484]

I just lost the new job I started as masseuse. I got the instructions off of the boss, but apparently, "a full massage and then finish off on her face", didn't mean what I thought it did!

 

:lol::lol:

 

Nice one.

[redmoosefaction]

Oh no the kitty's dead :-(

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRm1G9sQkzs]??????? ?????... (??-??-??!!!) )___( A dead cat ... (ha-ha-ha!!) - YouTube[/ame]

[Tree Man Tom]

If you had sex 365 times in 12 months, and then, melted down the rubbers to make a tire, what would you have? A Goodyear!!

[Tree Man Tom]

A man notices a little boy wearing a fireman hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices the cart is tied to the dog's testicles ' My my, what a nice fire engine' said the man. 'Wouldn't the dog pull faster though if you tied the rope to his collar?'. Yes said the boy, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[sloth]

A man notices a little boy wearing a fireman hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices the cart is tied to the dog's testicles ' My my, what a nice fire engine' said the man. 'Wouldn't the dog pull faster though if you tied the rope to his collar?'. Yes said the boy, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

 

Quality