Jokes???

[Graham]

Two Rats are talking in a sewer.

 

One says to the other, "I'm sick to death of ****... it's all we ever eat...

**** for breakfast, **** for lunch and **** for tea... I'm sick of it."

 

"Don't worry", replied the other rat... "We're on the piss tonight."

[RobRainford]

What is it with women and periods.

 

Everything is your fault when she's having one, and apparently it's your fault if she doesn't!

[oldwoodcutter]

Not being exactly snowed under with tree work,a young friend has had a side line supplying his local trendy pub/resteuront with 12 fresh squirrels a week.However the food standards agency have stuck their oar into the chefs creation and stipulated that each squirrel dish on the table must bear the warning 'may contain nuts'

Edited January 14, 2012 by oldwoodcutter
spelling

[doobin]

I walked into the gents the other day and there was this huge great black fella standing there doing his business. Course, I had to have a quick peak. Couldnt avoid it to be honest, there was a foot and half of the damn thing! Un believable!

 

Course he caught me looking didn't he! Before i could even open my mouth to speak, he just winked and said 'I just tie a bit of string round it and hang a house brick from it out the window before I go to bed every night. Grows a little more every time.'

 

Well, I took this fellas advice. Been doing that now for two weeks. And I'm pleased to say, I'm getting there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it's turning black.

Edited January 15, 2012 by Andy Collins
Language

[Matthew Arnold]

A young man was buying some condoms. The cashier asked him:

 

"Would you like a bag with those?"

 

He replies:

Nah, she's not that ugly...."

[oldwoodcutter]

I had a nightmare about the grim reaper, he and i were cutting up carrots.

I know i was dicing with death.

[weldersunited]

I have a problem, I think I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid...

 

But it's ok, I can stop any time

[PeteB]

I'm tying the knot today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I kick that stool away, I'll be a free man again!

[PeteB]

When we were in bed last night, I lent over to turn out the light and the wench said, "you can shove it up my bum tonight".

 

With hindsight, I should have waited until it cooled down.

[Tyz05]

Paddy is on his final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant, he has only 1 life line left....phone a friend.

 

'which bird does not make a nest,? A Sparrow, B Swallow, C blackbird or D Cuckoo'

 

paddy calls murphy. Murphy answers 'be jesus its a cuckoo 100%' Paddy wins the million.

 

Afterwards Paddy rings Murphy 'how the hell did u know that ? Murphy says ' well Paddy yer thick prat.. it lives in a clock.