Jokes???

[oldwoodcutter]

I had a nightmare about the grim reaper, he and i were cutting up carrots.

I know i was dicing with death.

[weldersunited]

I have a problem, I think I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid...

 

But it's ok, I can stop any time

[PeteB]

I'm tying the knot today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I kick that stool away, I'll be a free man again!

[PeteB]

When we were in bed last night, I lent over to turn out the light and the wench said, "you can shove it up my bum tonight".

 

With hindsight, I should have waited until it cooled down.

[Tyz05]

Paddy is on his final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant, he has only 1 life line left....phone a friend.

 

'which bird does not make a nest,? A Sparrow, B Swallow, C blackbird or D Cuckoo'

 

paddy calls murphy. Murphy answers 'be jesus its a cuckoo 100%' Paddy wins the million.

 

Afterwards Paddy rings Murphy 'how the hell did u know that ? Murphy says ' well Paddy yer thick prat.. it lives in a clock.

[TRADITIONAL LOGGERS]

Someone gave me a Proverbs Book to help with the current stress:-

 

An idle mind is.... the best way to relax.

 

Man who fart in church.... sit in own pew.

 

As long as your mistakes are new ones you can argue that you are making progress.

 

Experience is something you get just after you need it.

 

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

 

Reality is merely a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

 

You have three choices in life:- Give up, Give in, or give it your all!

 

A cask of wine will work more miracles than a church full of saints.

 

Be nice to your children, they'll be choosing the old folks home.

[RobRainford]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

 

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

 

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

 

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

 

"Yesterday?" I replied.

[Christopher Schroeter]

Just heard the window cleaner screaming and shouting outside my house.

 

I think he's lost his rag!

[Paul Barton]

Conjunctivitis.com.

 

That's a site for sore eyes.

[PeteB]

I got caught having a piddle in the town baths tonight!

 

Yeh, the lifeguard shouted so loud, I nearly fell in!

Edited February 9, 2012 by PeteB