Jokes???

[Al Cormack]

WHAT MARRIED MAN THINKS

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today..!!!"

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice.

 

 To the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 

 

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

 

One man even leaves.

 

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. 

 

“Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

 

 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

 

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

 

 

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[Mark J]

Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

[Mesterh]

12 minutes ago, Mark J said:

Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

Brilliant! 

I'm using that every single time I take the kids to the zoo for at least the next 9 years. After that I guess it just wont be as funny.

 

 

 

 

[Mark J]

1 minute ago, Mesterh said:

Brilliant! 

I'm using that every single time I take the kids to the zoo for at least the next 9 years. After that I guess it just wont be as funny.

 

 

 

 

It'll still be funny to you.

[CutterSy]

Brilliant! 
I'm using that every single time I take the kids to the zoo for at least the next 9 years. After that I guess it just wont be as funny.
 
 
 
 

I went to a small zoo once.
In fact there was only one animal, a dog.
It was a shitzu

[eggsarascal]

Dear Technical Support.......

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. 
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. 
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. 
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems.

A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

[Rough Hewn]

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[Ratman]

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

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[djbobbins]

I was rudely awakened at 2am this morning by two Man United fans playing football with a hedgehog in the street outside my house.

I was upset and disgusted by this, I was just picking up the phone to call the RSPCA when the hedgehog scored.