Mark J

Aye, now that his buddy Trump is out on his feet, that fleeting relevance he had has fizzled out like broken candle.

To his credit, he's been against HS2 from the start. However, he knows nothing about woodland management. I suspect he's trying to distance himself from brexit.

I have a Polish friend who's a roadie for a band. I have a Czech one too, a Czech one too, a Czech one too.

Did you hear the one about the magical tractor? It was driving down a road when it turned into a field.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot.

Shots fired: Covid-19: politicisation, “corruption,” and suppression of science WWW.BMJ.COM When good science is suppressed by the medical-political complex, people die Politicians and governments are suppressing science. They do so in the public interest, they...

My (ex) bitter half was sending me JD up there. I was absolutely shitgibbonned.

Either this one, which the most drunk I've ever been up a tree: Or this one, as it was the first I took down in real life:

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Aye. Filings to CH are only a few quid and covered in their fee, anyone who can use a web browser can file a return, if they have one. It depends on the scope of operations I suppose. I occasionally have people working with me on a sub contracting/consultancy basis. Last year I paid just shy of £600.00 in accountancy fees. When I was just one man banding it, I paid £350 a year in accountancy fees. The thing with quickbooks etc is they're very generic. They'll put purchases into categories like fuel/stationary/tools etc. What they don't do is understand how the breakdown of allowances pertains to your individual sector and personal situation - that bit makes all the difference and is usually worth more than the money you'll pay an accountant. Giving your accountant a quickbooks etc. file will make their lives easier as the 'bookkeeping' element of the job is already done.

Aye mate, get a good accountant. They're worth their weight in gold and understand the whole VAT process. When I was sole trader I paid about a quid a day for one, now as Ltd company I pay about 5-600 a year. There are significant benefits to going VAT registered. Not least that you can probably claim VAT back on things you've bought over the last three or so years before registering. Using things like quickbooks (take photos of receipts and send invoices etc through it) is a good idea in conjunction with a good accountant. They can sort the wheat from the chaff. I can recommend one if you like.

Little Johnny was sitting on park bench smoking one of his Mam's tabs, when this old gadge came and sat next to him. Old gadge points at the tab and says' Those things will kill you before your time.' Little Johnny says' My grandad lived to be ninety.' Old gadge says' Did he smoke?' Little Johnny says' Nah, he minded his own f'ing business!'

A frog walks into the bank and sits down with an advisor. Advisor says hey nice to meet you. My name is Paddy Whack and I’ll be discussing your loan inquiry today. The Frog says cool, my name is Kermit, nice to meet you. Advisory grins and say’s you’re not the THEE Kermit are you. Frog says no haha but my dad is Mick Jagger. What?? The advisor says, no way. Frog says yeah Mick had an ongoing affair with a frog and I’m their offspring. After the shock the advisor asks about the frogs loan request. So what is it for he asks. The frog says I’m wanting to upgrade my Lilypad. Advisor asks well do you have any collateral? Frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out tiny pink elephant made out of marble. Advisor looks confused and say wait there I’m going to need to speak to my manager. Advisor goes out back and speaks to his manager and holds out the pink elephant and ask hey boss what’s this? The boss says it’s a nick knack paddy whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a rolling stone.

Tier 3 as of next week, which makes little sense as we were in tier 2 before a month of lockdown. To me this suggests that they're either carping it about hospital capacity, partial lockdowns don't work or they really don't have a clue. Bring in UBI, cap private landlord rents. Close schools. Open pubs. Never caught nits in a pub.

My PC reckons I've got two garages.

200t, 576, 660.

200t, 576, 660.

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Mackems have got enough on their plates at the moment. I thought it only fair to spread the love.

NORTHUMBERLAND LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL Blyth - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to. Choppington - burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used. Lynemouth - you can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised. Alnwick - having sex with your sister is still permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant. Bedlington - Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact. Amble - prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the town. Entry from the rear only. Newbiggin by the sea - Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open. ASHINGTON - Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy. Morpeth - Covid in these parts does not exist, therefore you should carry on as you were, house hopping, social gatherings, drunken parties and fireworks until January are mandatory, Survival of the fittest, we're currently testing 'herd immunity' in these areas. Cramlington - Taking crops stabbing people and kicking **************** out your nana are still allowed but only till 10pm aslong as you stick to the lockdow guidelines and wear full face visors for each of your heads Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together."