Jokes???

[Stephen Blair]

ha itty ha!!

[woodworm]

Last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responde...d to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[sloth]

[RopeKnight]

Why do Leprechauns laugh when they run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The grass tickles their balls.

[twistedhicap]

Hello, is this the Police?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left

The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

[sloth]

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.*

[sloth]

Not really jokes, but will make you cringe and laugh, simultaneously...

[Tommy_B]

Due to dyslexic fans, a third of Kanye West's fan mail ends up in West Kenya

[PeteB]

I hear that a musician has found a cure for dyslexia, well that would be music to my arse!

[marsonpee]

Not really jokes, but will make you cringe and laugh, simultaneously...

 

Brilliant!