Jokes???

[PeteB]

Subject: Bitches till the end

 

 

 

 

Bitches 'til the End !

 

 

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

 

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

 

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

 

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

 

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,

'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[PeteB]

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed,

 

Desperate

........................................................................................................

 

 

Dear Desperate,

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to

 

Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

 

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot download new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

 

Good Luck,

 

Technical Support

[PeteB]

Longest Nerve In The Body

 

 

 

 

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

 

It's called the Optirectal Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a s&**^% outlook on life.

 

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

 

My public service is done for the day!

[Christopher Schroeter]

What's grey, made out of concrete, and howls at the moon?

 

A wolf.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just threw in the concrete to make it hard!

[Mycoman]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a

Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an

Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane,

several Americans (including a Hawaiian

and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak,

an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander,

a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,

a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a

Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,

a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a

Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a

Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,

an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran,

a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an

Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli,

an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner,

a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian,

a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook

Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a

Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman,

a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a

Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin

Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a

Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani,

a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a

Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman,

an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb,

a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a

Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two

Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but

you can't come in here without a Thai."

[Tree Man Tom]

Came out the supermarket earlier and there was a tramp sat outside, he caught my eye and asked "any change sir" i said nope, still the big house and nice car!

[chaffey]

I have a warning for all you men out there. At my local supermarket there are two scantily clad women that drape themselves all over your car and then you when you get out and whilst doing this they steal your wallet. I was robbed twice yesterday and three times today!!

[MATTMOSS]

My wife turned around and said she is leaving me because of my obsession with trees!!!!!

 

 

I said for sake petal where did all this stem from?

 

Edited April 26, 2012 by Stephen Blair

[geoff]

Italian Funeral ....

 

 

 

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

 

 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

 

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

 

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

"My wife's."

 

''What happened to her?"

 

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

 

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

 

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

 

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

 

The man replied, "Get in line."

[Bob Slade]

Studies have proven that the reason women don't fart as much as men is that they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure in their arse