Jokes???

[pgkevet]

This is a true story from this evening's consultations:

 

One of those times I just cracked up...

 

Lady client brought her greyhound in with a small cut to the thigh and thought it needed stitching.

So I pointed out that I was happy to suture it but dog was nervy/shaking so might need a touch of sedation with some local and the wound would need a bit of edge trimming or I could just clean it up and leave it open to heal with some antiseptic flushes. We all know how bad greyhound skin is at tearing sutures through but if she didn't like to see it open then I'd suture it for her.

 

Her answer?

 

"Whatever you recommend Mr Knapp. I'm a midwife and I'm used to leaving things open."

 

 

I just fell over laughing...

[Dave Martin]

Dear Mum Letter.....

 

 

 

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

 

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an

 

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the

 

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum.

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

 

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

 

with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

 

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,

 

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

 

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 

We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really

 

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

 

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

 

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

 

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

 

many grandchildren.

 

 

Love, your son, Nicholas.

 

 

 

“P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

 

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

 

the school report that's on my desk”

 

 

 

I love you!

 

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Stephen Blair]

Brilliant, just burst out laughing an a cafe lol.

[RobRainford]

whats white and cant climb trees?

 

 

 

My fridge

[Tree Man Tom]

whats white and cant climb trees?

 

 

 

My fridge

 

Someone obviously listened to radio1 this morning!

[RobRainford]

Someone obviously listened to radio1 this morning!

 

I did! I've been in a tractor all week and I've only got radio people keeping me company!

[Fungus]

An old, possibly Irish joke I found in Failed God by John Rush.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden, naming animals and smelling flowers, when God approached and said : "I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first ?" Adam looked at the face in the sky and replied : "Tell me the good news first."

The voice paused for a moment and then spoke : "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. From the first you will derive great pleasure and from the second you will acquire great intellect."

Adam stood shocked, not quite grasping the situation, but at the same time assuming that getting things was good. "Cool man ! Bitchin' ! Awesome ! ... but what's the bad news ?"

God paused again, realizing that sometimes things go wrong in the workshop. "Well," he began, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at the time."

[nepia]

My senile mate keeps knocking on his own front door and running round the back to answer it.

I don't think he realises what he's letting himself in for.

[alex_m]

I just drank some wkd with ice in it.

 

It was wicked.

[Martyn Amos]

i told my gran i have a new job where i have live sex on stage!

she said are you having me on.i said i"ll ask my boss but cant promise anything